


Before We Met | Redux

by Zoi no miko (zoi_no_miko)



Series: Only Two [3]
Category: Dark City (1998)
Genre: Anonymous Sex, Attempted Sexual Assault, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, Goodbyes, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Prequel, Promiscuity, REALLY FUCKING PAINFUL GOODBYES, Referenced Physical Abuse, Romance, Tragic Romance, why do I do this to myself?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-07-26 08:42:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 30,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7567630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoi_no_miko/pseuds/Zoi%20no%20miko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daniel Schreber had loved this man time and time again, long before he was John Murdoch. But John would never remember.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act 1  - John the 1st - Part 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Before We Met](https://archiveofourown.org/works/31765) by [Zoi no miko (zoi_no_miko)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoi_no_miko/pseuds/Zoi%20no%20miko). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been literal years since I first told this story, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about how much more I could have told....

Daniel stepped through the doors to the bath house, out of the cold of the never-ending night and into the warm, moist air, and felt like a hundred pounds had been lifted from his shoulders.

Safety.

For a moment he stood still, drawing as deep a breath as his broken lungs would allow, feeling the pathways relax in the warmth and moisture. Then he flashed his membership card to the man at the desk and stepped inside.

There were only a handful of men in the change room. Beyond the decorative grating he could see a few more lounging in the pool. Daniel didn't mind. It was easier to find a free room to change in relative privacy, quickly changing into a swim shirt and trunks before anyone could see the white lines and mottled skin - the end result of years of the Strangers Corrections.

More patrons would come trickling in, now that the bath house had reopened from its nightly half hour of closing - starting precisely eleven thirty for half an hour - a necessity born of the inner-workings of the city that the staff and patrons would never know about. Having a patron fall asleep in the pool would mean losing a subject, especially when it was so uncomfortable for the Strangers to enter the bath house with all its _moisture_. 

Taking one of the stiff white towels from the shelf of clean ones, Daniel slowly limped barefoot into the pool area. He always felt a bit conspicuous, crossing the room in his trunks when so many patrons chose to forgo clothing altogether. But soon enough he was in the pool and hidden by the water, taking off his glasses and setting them on the folded towel on the edge behind him. He leaned back against the tiled edge and slowly sank down into warmth and heat, closing his eyes as he briefly sank down under the surface.

He had ten precious hours before They would need him again. Ten hours bought by hard work and careful planning. It had taken him years to establish enough of their trust for this. In the beginning, when the world was nothing to him but pain and despair the holes of nothingness in his memory that had once been _Doctor Daniel Schreber_ , every moment of every day was strictly regimented. Four and a half hours to rest, just long enough to guarantee one human sleep cycle. thirty minutes to eat the food they placed in front of him and made certain he finished. One hour to review the scenarios they would be putting in place in the next cycle of experiments, and six hours to build the memory templates for the poor schmucks who would be erased and re-imprinted. Then the execution, the unmeasurable period of time when everything stopped and reality shifted around him as they dragged him through the city and played god.

They didn't trust him then, of course. He remembered that much. He remembered the times he'd tried to remove himself from their equation in any way he could, only to have them repair the self-inflicted damage to his body and then inflict some of their own. When that had failed to convince him they'd turned to others, made him watch as they'd tortured and killed innocent people. Broken his heart until he'd finally given in to the inevitability of their control. 

How else could he have agreed to their scheme? Spend the rest of his days reprogramming his fellow man, raping their minds and stealing their memories, their identities? Let alone....

He'd been someone once, before they'd made him erase himself. He'd had people he cared about, he must have. How could he feel so empty now if he hadn't once known love?

He couldn't have that now. Not ever. But he could have this hard-won time, these near anonymous assignations with men whose names and memories he'd changed dozens of times. Men who wouldn't remember his face more than a few days, a few weeks. But they could give him what he needed, give him precious moments of nothing but physicality. Because even when the sex was terrible, in those precious moments he was no longer Their tool, no longer the betrayer of his own kind, and his mind could quiet and forget.

He kept himself low in the water until the heat had seeped deep into his bones, relaxing tired, aching muscles. Then he turned his attention to the other inhabitants of the bath house.

He'd created so many memories that sometimes it was difficult to immediately know who he was looking at. But a little observation would bring their identity to mind. Then it was simply a matter of assessing his prospects. He couldn't engage with a primary subject of an active experiment, of course. Too risky, too likely to draw their attention. Of the rest, he'd need to determine which would be most likely to lower their standards enough to respond favorably to his invitation. He discarded the first two men immediately - too handsome, too confident - and a pair already engaged in conversation. An older gentleman was a possibility. He'd just turned his attention to a sixth when movement on the pool ladder beside him attracted his attention.

His eyes flicked to the man entering the pool and lingered on him. Far too good looking to be interested in someone like him, Daniel knew that immediately. But it didn't hurt to look. Certainly the man couldn't mind being looked at either, not when he'd entered the pool naked, completely comfortable with his body. Daniel let himself admire strong thighs and a pert ass, narrow hips, a hint of definition in his stomach and chest. Broad shoulders, dark, thick curly hair. The man's green eyes flicked to his, warm and enthralling, and he flashed him a brief smile before turning and floating out into the center of the pool.

Daniel felt his cheeks heat at being caught. But he still looked after him, heart clenching with a sudden ache of longing. It would be so easy to call out after him, to call this pretty man back to his side. If only he were handsome, or even whole like he once was. If only such a pretty man would turn back and give him a second look. If only....

"You look like you could use some company."

The voice next to him made Daniel start from his longing. He turned to the man who'd come up beside him and immediately felt his blood run cold.

Up close, he recognized the face immediately. He remembered creating this imprint all too well, remembered how it had turned his stomach. 

_Serial Killer_. 

His first thought was panic, that he'd unintentionally engaged a primary subject. Especially one as high-profile as the Stranger's current fascination with murder made this man. The second was confusion. This subject wasn't meant to lean towards men, all his constructed victims had been female. Why was he....

_He wants to smother you and fuck your dead body._

Heart pounding, Daniel forced a smile, grabbing his glasses from the towel and putting them back on with shaking hands. "I'm sorry, I -- was just leaving."

"What's the hurry?" One hand darted through the water to capture Daniel's wrist. "Don't worry. I'll show you a good time."

Daniel's eyes darted over the rest of the pool. The dark haired man had turned to watch them, concerned. Daniel felt another shock of panic. Once he was gone, would the killer choose another target? He held the pretty man's eyes and gave a small shake of his head, willing him to understand, willing him not to engage. Then he wrenched his wrist from the killer's grasp, raising his voice to be clearly audible. "No, thank you. I'm leaving now." Then he grabbed the ladder and pulled himself over, hauling himself out of the water and limping back to the change room as quickly as he could manage.

Once out of sight, the tremulous hold on his courage fell away. Daniel sank down onto one of the benches and clutched a towel to his chest, breathing hard. That had been far, far too close for comfort. They'd be furious if They found out. He'd need to be far more careful in the future. He'd need to read everyone when he arrived, make certain there was no primaries that might engage with him, nothing that might go wrong.

He towelled himself off with trembling hands, catching his clothes and taking them into a change room to dress. His fingers shook as he tried to do up the buttons of his shirt. He had to get out of here, he had to - 

Suddenly the door burst open, and before Daniel could call out he'd been slammed face first into the wall so hard that it pushed the breath out of him. The world swam black behind his eyes as he tried to react.

"Don't think you can run off on me," the killer growled in his ear. "I offered to do you a favor. No-one else is gonna fuck an ugly faggot like you."

Daniel struggled, trying to twist out from between the man and the wall, trying to pull air into his damaged lungs to do more than squeak in terror. But the man knew how to pin him, pushing him into the wall, covering his mouth with a hand as he shoved a hand down into his underwear. He squeezed his cock roughly, making Daniel cry out in pain, and gave a hard thrust against his ass. "Don't worry. I'll be quick."

"Get the fuck off him!"

Relief rushed through him as his attacker turned to growl at the interloper. "This is none of your business, fag." But it was enough of a distraction for Daniel to twist out from between him and the wall. He stumbled towards his rescuer in the doorway, grabbing his arm, his vision blurred through tears.

"It is my business, and it's going to be the whole building's business if you don't get the fuck out of here right now!" The man started to pitch his voice louder in warning, pulling Daniel behind him.

"Fuck you," the killer replied, but pushed past them and out of the room. He spat a wad of saliva in Daniel's face as he past. "Ugly cunt."

"You fucking - "

Daniel caught his rescuer's arm again before he could chase him. He couldn't let this man become his new target. "It's -- alright. It's alright. Please...."

"Jesus Christ...." The man pulled the towel from around his waist, gently wiping the saliva off his cheek. Finally Daniel managed to peer through the smudged lenses of his glasses and focus on his face. He was the pretty dark haired man who'd been watching them. The intense relief he felt mixed with a little awe as the man fussed over him. "You okay? Are you hurt?"

"No. No, I -- you stopped him. Thank you. I can't -- "

"Shh. It's okay. Come sit, okay?" His fingers were warm on Daniel's back through the cotton of his shirt, gentle without being controlling. It was strange, to be touched in a way that wasn't sexual. The warmth of it made him calm a little.

"I - " He should leave. But it was hard to argue when he felt like he could hardly breathe. When this man's green eyes - startlingly green up close, he couldn't help but notice - were so kind. He lifted his glasses to rub at his eyes, terror starting to fade.

"There we go. Let me help you. I'm John, by the way." He sat on the bench beside him, protectively close. His fingers deftly finished buttoning Daniel's shirt, straightening the fabric, not seeming to mind just sitting with him while Daniel caught his breath and stopped trembling.

"Daniel," he managed to reply, finally. "Thank you -- John. I'm sorry to have -- disturbed you."

"It's fine. I could tell that guy was trouble." His voice softened. "You know him?"

Daniel shook his head. "No. Just -- his type."

John gave a soft hum and a nod. "Do you think you could describe his face? We should go to the police and - "

"No." Panic rose in him again. He couldn't bring any more attention to this situation. He clutched John's arm. "No police. Please. I -- " 

"Hey - it's okay. I'll go with you. But we can't - "

"No police," he repeated. "In any case -- would they even respond once they -- learned of the location of the attack?"

John's lips pursed with displeasure. "I suppose you're right," he replied finally. "Can I at least see you home, then? If he decides to wait for you...."

Would he? Daniel forced his mind back to the imprint. This killer was an opportunist, not a stalker. Although, if homosexual attraction had not been programmed into his interest list who was to say what else had changed? "I do not think he will," he said finally. "But thank you for the offer."

"Are you sure?" John covered Daniel's hand with his free one where he still clutched his arm. "I don't mind. If you like, there's a little cafe down the road with amazing apple pie. We could stop for a bite. Warm, with ice cream. It might help you feel better? My treat."

It was such a lovely, normal thought. Daniel shook his head, managing a smile and forcing himself to let go of John's arm. "It's alright. Thank you, though. You've been very -- kind. I won't waste -- any more of your time."

"You're not. But if you're sure...." He drew back, then stopped, silent for a long moment, and when Daniel glanced over at him again he found the man's expression contemplative, and unmistakably tender.

"He was wrong, you know," John said softly. "You're not ugly. The opposite, really."

Daniel's lips parted in a soft breath of surprise. He meant it, he realized, and felt his cheeks burn. Could he truly be interested? It had been some time since he'd seen this face at midnight. He tried to think back. Who was John?

John glanced away with a soft laugh, his own cheeks colouring. "I'm sorry, that was - I shouldn't have said that. Just, when you looked at me in the pool...."

"Pie sounds nice." The words were out of Daniel's mouth before he could stop himself, and he felt his heart skip a beat.

John's lips curved into a small, hopeful smile. "Are you sure? Please don't feel obligated if you just want to go home, especially after...."

"I'd like to." He hesitated, then reached out to touch his arm again, fingers trembling slightly against his skin. He tried not to look down at the crumpled towel on John's naked lap, tried not to think of what else this could mean. John wasn't a primary subject at the moment, he was certain of that. It could be safe to engage. And with such a beautiful man.... "Please. I would appreciate -- the pleasure of your -- company.

John shifted so he was holding his hand, giving a gentle squeeze. His smile was warm and sweet and a little shy. "All right. Let me get my things. Are you alright to finish dressing? I'll be right over here."

Daniel nodded, going back into the room where he'd left his things. He felt a shiver run through him, but this time it was of shy delight, not terror. He tried to tell himself firmly not to anticipate anything when he was likely to be disappointed. Surely John would change his mind. But he was so very, very pretty....

He dressed hurriedly, half convinced that by the time he was done John would have changed his mind, come to his senses and left. When he stepped out John was waiting for him, though, fully dressed. He smiled and stood, offering his arm. "Are you alright to walk?"

It wasn't far. The cafe was warmly lit and inviting, and he happily followed John to a small booth in the corner, feeling reassured when John guided him to take the inside, positioning himself protectively between Daniel and the door. The pie was excellent, and the coffee as well, relaxing his frayed nerves until he was talking with John with ease and comfort, crowding closer to him on the bench. Even flirting a little. He couldn't stop his heart from skipping a beat every time John smiled. It had been long enough since he'd last imprinted this man that Daniel could almost imagine he was real, that he hadn't just programmed John with his kind-natured heart. It was surprisingly refreshing.

Finally John's hand found his on the bench, tangling their fingers together and stroking Daniel's hand with his thumb. "I don't want to be inappropriate after the night that you've had," he said softly. "But... if you'd like to go somewhere I have a very nice hotel room...."

Daniel felt a rush of longing, a desire far stronger than he'd felt for any of his assignations for a very long time. "I would," he breathed, feeling another thrill as John's smile widened. "But I'm afraid I -- am not looking for anything serious, John."

"That's fine. In truth... I'm rebounding." Of course. He'd been a secondary in his experiment. A cheating boyfriend the subject of their study. A familiar experiment, seeing if the primary subject would, when imprinted with the memory of past affairs, seek out yet another one. John gave an apologetic smile and a shrug. "But I'd really like to do it with you. Rebound, that is. Not - ah. Well. That too."

Daniel found himself laughing breathlessly. He leaned in on impulse to press a kiss to John's cheek. Then John turned his face, chasing his mouth to kiss him softly, sweet and gentle and with such tenderness that Daniel wanted nothing more than to melt into him completely.

"I hope your hotel -- isn't far," he breathed, and John grinned.

"Not far. We'll catch a cab."

The hotel was quiet, and discreet. John pulled him into another kiss as soon as they were alone in the elevator, longer, sucking at his bottom lip, tongue flicking against his. Then the door opened and John was taking him down the hall, unlocking the hotel room door to pull him inside, into hungry kisses and the warmth of his body.

Daniel groaned, wrapping his arms up around his neck, molding himself against the reassuring strength of his body. How long had it been since he'd been kissed with such fervent passion? "You're so gorgeous," he found himself gasping, tangling his fingers in his hair. "God, John...."

"Now you're just trying to get into my pants," John replied with a teasing chortle. He drew Daniel back into the room, arms warm and strong around him, stopping when he ran up against the side of the bed. He mouthed kisses along Daniel's jaw, fingers moving to his bow tie. "May I....?"

At Daniel's nod he went to work, deftly untying, unbuttoning, mouth warm and worshipful on his skin as layers of clothing fell away. Daniel wasn't sure he could remember the last time a lover had undressed him, let alone with such care, and was surprised at how unbearably hard it made him. He tugged at John's clothes in turn, stroking his hands up the strong expanse of his bare chest, fingers running through the small dark whorls of chest hair. But when John's fingers caught the bottom of his undershirt he felt a surge of panic, jerking back. "Not that."

"All right. I'm sorry." John leaned into him again carefully, bringing a hand up to cup his cheek. His fingers brushed the twisted scarring at the corner of his eye. Then he leaned in to press a soft kiss below the arm of his glasses, fingers stroking up into his hair. "Don't know how anyone could bear to hurt someone as sweet as you," he murmured softly, nuzzling his jaw. "Sweet Daniel...."

It was more care than he was used to. Far, far more than he deserved. A bitter laugh caught in Daniel's throat. John must have misinterpreted, for he pulled back in dismay. "I'm sorry, I - "

"No, no. The apology should be mine." Daniel lowered his head, feeling his cheeks heat. He stepped into John again deliberately, stroking his hands around the waistband of his trousers, teasing the bare skin as he let his face nestle into the hollow of his throat. "You've been so -- very kind to me. Forgive me for feeling a bit... incredulous about it. I do appreciate it." He let himself draw breath against his skin, as deep as he could, taking in the warm masculinity of his scent. Then he brought his hands to tug open his trousers, giving a soft, pleased noise as his fingers curled around a very nice, very hard cock. "Would you like me to suck you, John?"

John's hips gave a little stuttered buck, pushing his cock against his palm with a groan. Then he was drawing back, kissing Daniel hard as he pulled open his pants. Before Daniel could think twice about his intentions his trousers and underwear were on the floor, and John was urging him down to perch on the edge of the bed, kneeling between his thighs and dropping his head to lick a hungry stripe up the underside of his erection.

"Oh - !"

"God, you have a gorgeous mmph - " John took him in his mouth with urgent enthusiasm, suckling him as his lips slid down the length of his shaft. This too, was something that he seldom experienced, rarely more than a cursory suck while a lover fingered him open. John, though, sucked him like he couldn't get enough, groaning around him as he swallowed him down. The tightness of his throat around the head of his cock was exquisite, and Daniel couldn't help but tangle his fingers in John's hair, more to anchor himself than control him. It pulled a wanton groan from John's throat, though, vibrating around his cock, and John's hand moved from his hip to fist himself as he swallowed him down again, almost desperately.

Daniel couldn't bear to deny this beautiful man his own pleasure, though. He fought to draw breath. "John I -- please let me -- "

John's lips pulled from his cock, panting. "Screw me? Oh god yes. I wanna ride this gorgeous thick cock so bad...." He straightened to catch his mouth again in a hungry kiss, tasting delightfully of sex and arousal.

"Oh!" It was the last thing Daniel expected, so unexpected that for a moment he couldn't respond to the kiss, dumbfounded.

John drew back, concerned. "Unless you don't want to? I'm fine with anything, I - "

"No." Truthfully Daniel couldn't remember if he'd ever fucked anyone. Surely in his past life, someone must have wanted to give themselves to him? It was a little overwhelming to think that John could want such a thing. But if that was what he truly wanted..... "I - I would like that. I - please. Please ride my cock -- John."

"Yeah?" John's eyes darkened at his words, shucking his trousers and crawling up to straddle his lap, urging him down until Daniel was on his back on the bed. John groaned into his mouth as he wiggled his ass back against his cock, his own erection sliding hard against the thin fabric of Daniel's undershirt. "God, you're so big... gonna feel so good....."

He sat up long enough to grab a bottle of lube from the bedside drawer, and though Daniel still felt like he couldn't quite think straight through his astonishment, it was reassuring that John had intended to get fucked that night regardless of who he'd picked up. Then John was stroking slick down the length of his shaft, fingers a satin caress as he coated him. He wrapped his fingers around the base of his cock, holding him in place as he knelt up, starting to rock down onto him with no more preparation than that.

Being fucked was something he was well familiar with. Daniel very much appreciated a lover who would let him be on top, let him move and take his pleasure as he liked, though circumstance rarely allowed it. He watched John's eyes flutter closed as his lips parted on a groan, pushing down harder, body tight and shuddering as he stretched around the head of Daniel's cock. The tight heat of his ass was overwhelming, but didn't seem to be too much for him at all - he pushed his hips down in urgent little bucks until his ass sat flush with Daniel's hips, rolling his hips on him and drawing a shuddering breath.

"God, John...." Daniel stroked trembling fingers up his hips, watching John catch his bottom lip between his teeth as he ground down harder.

"So good," his lover breathed, words ending in a groan, repeating the motion. "Oh god, Daniel... you're so big, feels so good...."

"You feel so good...." Daniel managed to echo. He fought the urge to close his eyes to such sweet pleasure, forcing himself to drink in the image of the man over top of him, his pretty features lost to pleasure. Wanting to encourage that, he curled his fingers around John's cock, and the other man flashed him a grin, starting to move a little harder.

"Mmm, yes.... Wanna screw your fingers while I fuck myself..... " He arched down to kiss him again, groaning against his mouth. "God, you're exquisite...."

If he hadn't been so overwhelmed by the tight heat of John's ass, hugging his cock as he fucked down onto him, Daniel might have laughed. "You are," he managed to breathe instead, hips arching up to meet him as John ground down again.

It made his lover cry out, breathless and trembling against his mouth. "Oh fuck yes. Do that again. Oh god, fuck me....."

Whether his body somehow remembered doing this, or whether it was just instinct from being on the receiving end as many times as he had been, it was surprisingly easy to fall into rhythm with him. Soon they were coming together with firm thrusts, until John was crying out wantonly against his mouth. The pleasure of fucking him was nearly as exquisite as the knowledge of John's pleasure, and soon Daniel was shaking with the effort of holding off, pleasure surging stronger with each thrust. His vision swam as he gasped for breath. But he had to please John, had to - "God, John, I - "

"Come in me," he lover gasped, bucking down harder. "God, Daniel, I'm so close, please come in me, please fill me up - "

"Oh - !" With a helpless buck of his hips, his orgasm broke free, washing over him with unexpected intensity as his vision went black. All he could feel was the rush of ecstasy, John's triumphant cry as he rocked down onto him urgently, clenching and shuddering around his cock. It sent another hot rush of pleasure through him, nearly agonizing in its intensity, and all he could do was collapse back on the bed, pulling shuddering breath as the world spun around him.

John's kisses were soft on his face, breath hot. "You alright?" He murmured, and Daniel forced himself to nod.

"Yes," he said finally. He wrapped his arms up around him, realizing too late that his fingers were sticky with John's seed. "Ah - I'm sorry, I - "

John gave a little chortle, kissing away his apology. "That's alright. Makes me feel very sexy."

Daniel gave a soft, soundless laugh against his mouth. "In case you -- haven't noticed. You are."

John echoed the laugh, though it was a little bashful. "My boyfriend didn't really make me feel that way," he said, drawing back to look down on him, smile rueful.

Daniel reached a hand to cup his cheek. "You are the most -- exquisite -- man that I have ever -- laid eyes on," he murmured, voice unexpectedly throaty.

John's gaze dropped, smile soft, almost shy. He turned his face to kiss Daniel's palm. "Thank you for this. Really. It was... just what I needed."

"Was it alright?" Daniel couldn't help but ask, suddenly feeling anxious. "I'm sorry, I don't normally...." He hesitated as John looked up at him curiously. ".... top."

"Oh! But - really? With a cock like that? I mean - I'm sorry, I should have asked, I - "

"No, no. I -- it was amazing. Truly. Thank you, John. I just hope that -- I pleased you."

"Very much so." John's words were punctuated with another kiss, long and sweet, and Daniel was all too happy to lose himself to it, stroking the fingers of his clean hand through his dark, sweat-clumped curls.

"You know," John murmured against his lips, "If you don't have anywhere to go, I'd love it if you stayed the night. We could go take a shower together.... I could return the favor of that delightful dicking you just gave me....."

It was infrequent that Daniel found a lover who wanted more than a quickie in the bath house. Even if he had, normally he'd be making his excuses to leave. He glanced over at the clock. Eight more hours. It had been so good, and John was so very, very pretty...."

"If you don't mind me setting an alarm for the morning," he replied, arching up to kiss him. "I'd really, really like you to -- fuck me, John."

"Mmm." John gave a little wiggle, tightening around his spent cock teasingly. "I'd love to."

~~~


	2. Act 1  - John the 1st - Part 2

They didn't end up needing the alarm - John woke him an hour before he needed to leave, cuddling up against his back and covering his neck in kisses. His fingers stroked over Daniel's now bare chest, not pausing over the bumps of his scars any more than he had when they'd made love in the shower before they'd slept. His fingers found one of Daniel's nipples, toying with it as he sucked on the crook of his neck, and by the time Daniel was fully awake he was also fully erect, grinding back against the hard length of John's cock with a little needy whimper.

"Please," he gasped, wiggling to let the rock of John's cock grind between his ass cheeks. "John, please...." In moments John was pressing into him again, sliding in easily, his body still slick and relaxed from their previous lovemaking. Daniel groaned, reaching back to grab his hip and pull him closer, closing his eyes and reveling in the exquisite pleasure of being filled as they rocked together slowly.

"So amazing," John breathed, rolling his hips up into him a little harder. "God, Daniel... been so long since I've been with someone who's let me... god, you have no idea how good you feel....."

 _Let's do it again_ , Daniel wanted to say. _Let's do this lots._ He bit his lip on the plea. This couldn't be anything more than tonight, he knew that for certain. He couldn't let himself become familiar to John. Not with the secrets he kept. But god, it was hard not to imagine how good it could be to come back to him, to lose himself to John's kisses every night. To have this beautiful man with his kindness, his gentle care....

"Please fuck me," he gasped, crying out as John gave a harder thrust into him. _Don't think about the what ifs_ , he told himself firmly. Better just to concentrate on the now, to engrave every moment of his pleasure in his mind. "Please, John. Harder...."

"God, sweetheart...." John pressed a breathless kiss to his neck before pulling him away, arranging Daniel on his stomach, a pillow under his hips. Then he slid back into him, burying himself to the hilt with a hard thrust. "Oh God, such a sweet little ass...."

Daniel whimpered an affirmative, crying out as the next roll of John's hips ground his cock perfectly up against his prostate. He certainly knew well how to fuck, driving into him with perfect force and pleasure until all Daniel could do was hold on and feel, fingers clenched at the sheets, each thrust pushing a breathless cry of pleasure from his lips.

"Oh god, that's it, sweetheart...." John's words panted breathless into his skin. "Let me hear how good it is for you, god, you're so good, oh god, Daniel...."

 _Please fuck me forever_ , Daniel wanted to gasp. But each push of his cock built the exquisite intensity of his pleasure, pushed him closer to orgasm. Daniel grit his teeth, whimpering. Once he came it would be over, he'd have to leave, he'd have to - "

John's thrusts grew ragged, voice pleading. "Come on, sweetheart.... Wanna feel you come on my cock, please...."

How could he resist such a plea? Daniel gave a soft, helpless sob, letting John's thrusts drive him over the edge into ecstasy. He heard John cry out with him, hips jerking into him as the heat between them grew, and the knowledge of his lover's satisfaction was even more fulfilling than it was normally.

For a few blessed moments he thought of nothing, nerves buzzing in the aftermath of pleasure as he caught his breath. Then John shifted against his back, pressing a warm kiss to the back of his neck as he eased away from him. He pulled Daniel into his arms, pressing soft kisses to his face, lips trembling slightly against his skin.

Daniel stroked his fingers up into his hair. With John's face so close to his it was clear even without his glasses, and his expression was far more anxious than it should be in the aftermath of sex. "John?"

John sighed softly, claiming his mouth, soft and lingering. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "I just... I know I said I was just rebounding, but... I just really want to see you again. You've been so good to me, Daniel...."

Daniel felt his throat clench tight at John's words, eyes burning with tears. He shut them tightly, trying to swallow down the surge of emotion. It was everything he wanted this beautiful man to say... and exactly what he could never agree to. He heard John give a soft, dismayed moan, kissing the corners of his eyes, lips wet from Daniel's tears. "Shh, sweetheart... I'm sorry. Forget I said anything, I'm stupid...."

"No," Daniel managed to gasp, swallowing around his sorrow. "No. I want to. So much. _I can't_. I'm so sorry. I can't." He blinked away the tears that blurred his vision to look up at him, begging him to understand.

"Can't you?" 

Seeing such sorrow on John's pretty features made everything hurt more. "I'm sorry," he gasped again. "Please believe me, John. If the choice were -- mine to make, I - "

"Shh..." John shook his head, kissing him gently. He hesitated a moment. "Are you... married? If you are, I don't mind. I know how things are sometimes, I - "

The idea would have been hilarious if Daniel hadn't felt like his heart was breaking into a thousand pieces. "No."

"But there's someone else?" He ran his fingers over the side of his face, pausing at the scarred, twisted corner of his eye. His voice became smaller, green eyes more sorrowful. "The person who hurt you...."

"... in a way. Yes." He shouldn't be saying so much, Daniel knew. But what would it matter if he was never going to see John again anyway?

John let out a soft, shuddering breath, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "Let me take you away from them," he said softly. "You don't have to stay with someone so unkind to you. I'll take care of you. I promise."

Daniel closed his eyes. His words were so earnest. Would it be so terrible to try? He could time his work to spend every other cycle with John like this....

Then John continued speaking, nuzzling his hair. "I'll even leave the city with you, if that's what you need. There's nothing left for me here. We can go to Shell Beach, find a little house near the ocean...."

Shell Beach. A stark and jarring reminder that this could never be real. The soft laugh that escaped his lips sounded more like a sob. "I wish that -- could be."

John drew back to look down at him with a helpless sigh"... isn't there anything I can do to help?"

"You've done so much." Daniel caught his face in his hands, drawing his mouth to his, trembling. This, at least, he could be completely truthful about. "Please believe me. Your kindness, John.... I won't forget it. You will be a -- bright light in my memory. Always."

John returned his kiss, trembling, and when he pulled back his own eyes were red-rimmed and bright. He silently helped Daniel find his clothes and dress, pulling on his own trousers. Then he followed him to the door.

 _Don't fall in love with the lab rats,_ Daniel told himself firmly. But he couldn't resist the urge to curl into him one more time, turning his mouth up in an offer of a kiss that John took with a soft, yearning moan.

"My sweet Daniel," he murmured, voice thick with emotion, holding him tight.

God, how could he leave this?

Daniel arched up to press another kiss from his mouth, trembling, speaking before he could stop himself. "The bath house. Two nights from now. If you happen to be there...."

John drew a soft gasp against his mouth. His fingers tightened on Daniel's back as he kissed him again. "I will. I will, I promise."

"Then I will see you -- soon." It was a bad idea. A terrible idea. Why did his heart leap at the thought? He kissed those sweet lips again, then forced himself to pull back. "I really must -- be going. Goodbye, John."

Two nights. Two resets of the city. Little more than twelve hours, for him. He tried not to think on it as he followed the Strangers through the Tuning that night, or as he set about his work the next day, diligently creating all of the imprints for the next two nights' resets to buy his precious time away. Still, it was hard not to anticipate how lovely it would be to be in John's arms again. Hard not to remember how gentle John had been with him, the way his lips turned up into a smile as they'd spoken. Perhaps they could have dinner together before stealing away to make love....

At midnight he followed the Strangers into a flower shop, ready to imprint the primary for their next experiment. He found himself staring down at the slumbering man on the floor, staring down at familiar dark curls and pretty high cheekbones, a fan of eyelashes against his cheeks.

For a moment all he could do was stare, feeling like he wanted to collapse, like his heart wanted to abandon him to pain. The Strangers set to work with practiced efficiency, unbuttoning his clothing, stripping away his identity as _John_. Daniel glanced away, only to find himself looking at the new-purchased bundle of roses they'd pried from his fingers.

He curled trembling fingers around one of the buds, snapping it from its stem with a sudden burst of anger and self-loathing. They weren't for me, he told himself firmly. He couldn't allow himself to believe anything else. Regardless of if they had been, regardless of whether or not John had met him back at the bath house, this was always the inevitable end of whatever might have been between them. He'd been a fool to allow himself to consider anything else.

"Doctor."

Daniel straightened, shoving the rosebud into his pocket and snapping open his bag. The metal grip of the syringe was cold in his fingers as the mechanism whirred to life. He positioned it with careful exactness, then pulled the trigger without hesitation.

_Goodbye, John._

~~~~


	3. Act 2 - John the 2nd - Part 1

For weeks, Daniel avoided the bath house. He tried to tell himself that it wasn't safe, not when he could so easily run into the primary subject in their serial killer experiment again. In truth, he couldn't bear the thought of going, knowing that John wouldn't be there.

It was stupid of him, he knew that. A stupid, pointless hang-up. The night after he'd re-imprinted the serial killer he forced himself to go back, propositioning the first man who gave him a second look.

It wasn't terrible sex. The man was nothing special to look at, nothing extraordinary about his imprinted personality. Just a cock for him to use. But Daniel couldn't swallow down the ache in his heart, even as he braced himself against the change room wall and rocked back onto the man's cock. He found himself begging for the man to fuck him harder, to use him, needing the intensity to push away his memories, but even when he jerked himself to climax it wasn't enough. He locked the change room door after his anonymous lover had left, crumpling down to the bench and dissolving into tears.

 _Stop it,_ he told himself firmly. _Don't think of him. He doesn't even exist anymore. He was never real to begin with. This is all you can ever hope for. Take what pleasure you can and be satisfied._

He didn't realize how long he'd been in there until he heard a soft rap on the door, the gentle rhythm of invitation. Daniel wiped his cheeks with his discarded shirt, then stood, taking a few breaths to compose himself. Then he pulled open the door, mind made up before he'd even seen who was behind it. "Don't speak. I don't want to -- know your name," he said before the man could open his mouth. "I just want you -- to fuck me as hard as you can."

With a shrug and a smirk in response, the man stepped inside and closed the door behind him, pulling off his towel. He pushed Daniel roughly up against the wall, face first, and in moments was plowing into him with little gentleness.

It wasn't John. But it could never be John. There was pleasure enough in forgetting that.

~~~

The next night when the clocks were stopped he found himself looking down at all-too-familiar features, the fan of dark eyelashes over high cheekbones. Forcing his hands to still, Daniel drew out the next syringe and re-imprinted him, his heart aching with longing and loss.

 _Can't be helped,_ he told himself firmly, and resolved not to make any attempt to make contact, no matter who he was.

~~~

It surprised Daniel how easy it was to engage men when he allowed himself to be bold, to forget about the question of his desirability. He was just a hole for them to fuck, after all. They didn't need to look at him. But each assignation left him more and more miserable, until eventually he started to avoid the bath house all together.

He sought refuge in a dingy bar one night after the Tuning, drinking a glass of whiskey too fast, forcing himself to savor another. He shouldn't drink, he knew that. It was too easy to think, to remember. But slowly the alcohol began to dull the edges of his senses, take the sharp bite off his pain.

He didn't lift his head when someone slid into the seat next to him. Not until he spoke to the bartender. "I'll have whatever he's having."

 _John_.

Daniel jerked upright so quickly that it jarred his his back. He sucked in a breath, eyes watering as he fought to hide his pain, finding John's beautiful green eyes watching him with concern.

"I'm sorry," John said quietly. "I can move. Just though... misery, company and all that."

"It's fine." God, why was he agreeing? He ought to be out the door already. "Misery may indeed be...." He floundered for a response, and watched John's expression soften.

"Yeah," he said simply, giving a nod to the bartender when he returned with his drink. "Another for my new friend, please. Oh - wait. Just leave the bottle." He pulled out his wallet, handing a few large bills across the bar. Then he refilled Daniel's glass, pouring more in his own and taking a long swallow. "I'm John, by the way."

"Daniel. Thank you -- John."

"Daniel," he repeated, lips stretching into a grim smile. "His name is Daniel, too."

Daniel's heart skipped a beat. Without context, his mind immediately returned to their last time together. John's lips on his skin, gentle and reverent. His promise to meet with him again. But that couldn't have anything to do with this. "Pardon me?"

"My wife's boss. She's leaving me for him." A soft, bitter snort. John gulped back more of the amber liquid, shuddering a little after swallowing, then looking to him. "Care to commiserate? I'd like to meet a Daniel I don't hate. Are you here because of a woman, too?"

"I... something like that, yes," Daniel stammered. He could feel his cheeks heat, though he wasn't quite sure if that was from embarrassment or the drink. The details of John's experiment came flooding back to him. His wife was the primary, imprinted with the memory of past affairs. She'd chosen to cheat again, then. Daniel tried not to think about the similarities to the scenario John had been living the last time they'd been together. It certainly didn't mean that this had any hope of progressing in the same direction. In any case, this John was firmly heterosexual.

He shouldn't stay. There was no reason for him to. No benefit. How could he gain anything but more misery, being close to this man he so desired, who was nothing of what he'd once been? But perhaps being near this new, different John now would be enough to convince his heart to stop its pining for what no longer existed. He took a swallow of his drink, mentally willing it to be so.

"My friends say that I'm a fool for allowing her to have her own career," John mused, nursing his drink. "Say that a woman's place should be in the home, serving her man. It just seemed... I have help for that, you know? How could I force her to serve me? I just didn't think I'd find myself as nothing more than a step on her ladder...."

"Certainly it is her -- loss," Daniel found himself murmuring.

Beside him John gave a soft, mirthless laugh. "Just wish I knew what I'd done wrong. Tried to give her everything she wanted. And yeah, maybe I worked too hard, maybe I wasn't home enough, but she wasn't either. I just....."

Daniel stared down at his hand, which had somehow found its way to John's arm. A distant corner of his mind, fuzzy and indistinct, told him that he was in no shape to be giving advice, and likely not even qualified to be doing so anymore. "When two people -- form a relationship. It is more than just -- the sum of the parts. It becomes another -- entity. Sometimes an unpleasant one. That may not be the fault -- of either parties, John."

John gave another snort of a laugh, looking down at his hand on his arm. He made no move to pull away, though, and it seemed more awkward to Daniel to move it than to keep it there. After a moment, John's eyes flicked to his. "What do you do, Daniel?"

Daniel tried to give an apologetic smile. "I am a -- Psychiatrist. A rather... intoxicated one, currently. My apologies."

This time John's laugh was surprised, and far more real. "Yeah? Well, I'll take that under advisement. Sorry, I didn't mean to make you work on your night off."

"It's no chore. Truthfully. I appreciate -- the company."

"Me as well." John lifted his glass to his lips again. Then his gaze returned to Daniel's hand on his arm. "Maybe the reason I feel so guilty about it is... I don't really know if I'm actually all that upset." His eyebrows knit worriedly. "I don't know what that says about me. Like, I remember so clearly meeting her. I remember how dazzling she was, I remember falling in love with her. But... I... " his lips moved, as if in aborted attempts to speak. Finally he just gave a helpless, frustrated sigh, eyes turning to Daniel. "It doesn't feel real anymore. Am I terrible person for feeling that way?"

 _Because it isn't real._ Daniel bit back the truth of it. Instead he leaned closer, giving his forearm a reassuring squeeze and softening his voice. "Not in the least. Your heart is merely -- protecting itself. An effect of grief -- and loss. It does not reflect -- badly on you, John. Not at all."

John sighed, softening. "You're sweet," he murmured, his expression momentarily so tender that Daniel's heart clenched painfully. Then he turned back to his drink, draining it. "Well, they say the best way to get over someone is to rebound. Let's go pick up some women. You with me?"

"I - " Daniel felt his cheeks burn, stumbling over words in an attempt to find an appropriate response without outing himself. "I'm sorry, I - women aren't - I'm not....."

"Interested?" Instead of disgust, John's smile seemed almost playful, unexpectedly light. He leaned close, close enough that his breath teased against Daniel's ear, sending a shiver through him. "Thought you might swing that way," he murmured. Then he pulled back entirely, winking as he slipped from the stool and headed to the door of the bar.

Daniel's heart sank, and he cursed himself for being so stupidly transparent. He wanted to call John back, to apologize, to offer - to offer what? What could he possibly give John that would make any difference? But the thought of losing his company again was so unbearable....

Then John turned, holding out a hand towards him, a little smile playing about his lips. "Coming?"

Daniel slipped off the stool and was at his side before he could think to question. John's hand slipped into his, squeezing gently, pulling him from the bar and starting down the street. "I went to a gay bath house once," he said, almost conversationally as they walked. "Not really sure why. It was just there, you know. It wasn't what I expected. Not really sure what I did expect. It was kind of this weird impulse. I didn't stick around." He looked to Daniel with the same little smile he'd had at the door of the bar. "Maybe I was just looking for someone."

For a moment, Daniel felt like he could hardly breathe. But it had to be coincidence... didn't it? He'd reimprinted John himself - imprinted him _twice_ since the time they'd been together. There was no way, no possible way - 

John stopped in front of the doors to the Grand Hotel, turning into him and taking Daniel's hand in both of his. The playfulness had faded from his lips, expression a mixture of earnestness and anxiety. "I know I'm being bold," he said softly, and wet his lips. "You can tell me to screw off if you'd like. But I... I'm staying here right now. If you... If you would like to come upstairs with me...."

Daniel froze, heart pounding so madly that he felt slightly faint. _Don't fall in love with the lab rats._ But....

John's eyes dropped, embarrassed. He took a step back, releasing Daniel's hand. "Sorry," he muttered. "Forget it. I - "

"Please." Daniel grabbed for his sleeve with trembling fingers. It was a terrible idea, everything that he'd allowed to happen had been a terrible idea, but that knowledge didn't stop the surge of panic he felt at the thought of John _leaving_. "Please. Yes. I - I would like to. Yes."

"Yeah?" A small, wondering smile lit John's features. He took Daniel's hand again, giving it a squeeze. "Okay."

It didn't surprise him when John's arms slid around his waist in the elevator, pulling him into a messy, whisky-sharp kiss. It was inevitable. And god, but he wanted it too. He let John push him back against the wall, arching up against him with a groan, lips parting eagerly to the press of his tongue. He sucked at John's questing tongue, tangling a hand in his hair to pull him close, closer, suddenly aching with need - need to forget the time that had past, the heartbreak he'd felt when he'd lost John the last time. To imprint John on his mind like he wouldn't lose him again.

It was a bad idea. A terrible idea. But part of him couldn't help but think that things couldn't possibly get any worse than they already were.

The ding of the elevator doors opening made John start and pull back, looking almost dazed. "I'm sorry. I don't - I've never - "

"Take me to bed and -- you can do anything you want to me," Daniel found himself saying, suddenly panicked that John might say no. "Please. It doesn't have to -- mean anything. Let me suck you. It doesn't make you gay." John's eyebrows knit together with a soft, disbelieving laugh, and Daniel felt a surge of panic, certain that he'd decline. "I didn't mean - "

But John cut him off with a kiss, drawing him out of the elevator and towards his room. "It's alright. I'd like that."

Inside, it didn't take long to get John to the bed, dropping to his knees in front of him as John dropped his trousers and sank down to perch on the edge. Giving head was never comfortable to him, his back aching as he leaned down to cover John's cock with his mouth. But it didn't matter. Nothing mattered but John's gasp of pleasure, his hands fisting in Daniel's hair as his hips rocked up into his mouth.

Just the taste of him was immediately better than any of the sex he'd had in the past few weeks. His pulse pounded against his eardrums like a bass drum, the desire and uncertainty of the act thrilling enough to break past the heady haze of the drink. The scent of John's arousal and expensive cologne was a heady aphrodisiac, and before he knew it he was swallowing him down, half choking around him, as desperate to please him as to take as much of him as he could manage. 

His own cock throbbed painfully where it strained at the front of his trousers. He resisted the urge to touch himself - no telling how this John would react - but as John's gasps of pleasure became more wanton he couldn't help but palm himself through the fabric, grinding up against his hand and wishing he dared more.

Suddenly John's fingers tightened in his hair, pulling him off his cock forcibly. For a second Daniel panicked. But there was nothing but desire in John's dark eyes.

"You said I could do anything I wanted to you. You mean that?"

"Most -- certainly."

John ran his thumb along his lips, pushing into his mouth. His eyes narrowed as Daniel sucked on it with a little needy moan. "Can I fuck you?"

Daniel whimpered before he could stop himself, cock jerking in his pants. He nodded, still sucking hungrily on John's thumb. John pulled it from his mouth, but it was only to bend down and cover Daniel's mouth with his, reaching between them to palm Daniel's cock where it strained at the front of his trousers.

"God, you're so hard...."

"I really want you," Daniel whispered, and was rewarded with a groan and a harder kiss.

"Show me."

He still carried lube with him, thank god, though it was hard to think to prepare himself with John kissing him, fumbling drunkenly with his clothing. He was still in his button down when John pushed him down into the bed, tangling his bare legs with his, cock grinding hard against his hip as he devoured his mouth with kisses. Daniel slicked his fingers, feeling awkward and clumsy from the drink. He couldn't ask John for this, though. But when he reached back to work them into himself John's hand slid down as well, squeezing and groping his ass. After a few minutes he pushed a finger in alongside Daniel's, groan low and incredulous as he pumped it in him slowly.

"So tight," he breathed, crooking and wiggling it a little, groaning again at Daniel's gasp of pleasure. "Oh god. Please let me fuck you, please - "

Daniel's cock jerked against his stomach. He pulled his fingers away, slicking John's cock hurriedly, then moving to his hands and knees. "Please fuck me. Hard as you like. God, John, please....!"

As John moved to kneel behind him Daniel forced himself to relax, expecting the kind of roughness he'd been soliciting at the bath house. He didn't expect to hear the snap of the lube, didn't expect to feel John's fingers press into him carefully, solid and slick. Daniel bit his lip on a groan, rocking back into the penetration before he could stop himself. It was too gentle, too much like the last time they'd been together, and he had to choke down a sob.

"Please," he said again, voice rough. "I'm ready. Please fuck me."

"God, Daniel...." The push of his cock made Daniel sob in relief. In moments John had pressed inside him, rocking until his body stretched around him and gave way. 

Daniel found himself groaning, pushing back against him, pleasure rushing through him. How was this so much better than it was with anyone else? He shouldn't be here, he knew that. Shouldn't be treating this different than any other assignation, shouldn't be thinking of John as anything more than another anonymous cock for him to fuck himself on.

Then John was curling around him as his hips stuttered into him, nosing aside his collar to press breathless kisses to the back of his neck, warm and worshipful. "This really feels different. It's so good. Oh god...."

He ought to respond, to say something. But John's tenderness left his chest feeling unexpectedly tight. Before he could swallow it down John was speaking again, still nuzzling his skin. "God, sweetheart, thank you. Thank you. It's been so long... god, you feel amazing....."

"So good," he whimpered, rolling his hips back against him. He found one of John's hands on the bed, twining their fingers together. "Oh god, John...."

John gave a helpless groan against his ear, starting to rock a little harder. "So glad I met you," he breathed. "Sweet Daniel. So good being inside you, god...."

It was too kind. Too much like he had been before. Was it inevitable, that John would always have this sweet spirit, no matter the identity he was given? Daniel forced himself to push away the thought. He couldn't allow himself to believe that. "Harder," he gasped, trying to grind back into him. "Fuck me hard, John, please....."

"Oh, god...." John's hips bucked into him at that, grinding up against his sweet spot, driving a breathless cry of pleasure from his throat. He repeated the motion, bracing his arms on the bed as he started to use him. "Fuck you however you want, sweetheart, god... fuck your perfect, tight little ass...."

Daniel cried out again as pleasure shuddered through him, red hot and intense. He had to focus on this, on the act, on the pleasure. Not John. Not about how he made him feel... "Yes," he panted, trying to rock with him, forcing vulgarities past his lips.."Use my -- slutty little asshole. Fuck me hard. Use me -- for your pleasure. God, please - !"

"God, Daniel!" John pulled back to kneel up, grabbing his hips, hips snapping into him quick and rough. It was the kind of intensity Daniel needed to finally stop thinking, and all too soon he was coming undone, crying out his pleasure as the world fell away.

Afterwards he let John pull him into his arms, covering his face with soft, breathless kisses. "You're amazing," he murmured, soft and incredulous. "God. I can't believe I didn't realize...." he gave a sudden laugh, burying his face in Daniel's hair. "Oh god...."

"John?"

John's chortle was positively devious. "Just thinking that I really, really want to tell my wife that we've both fallen for a Daniel."

_Fallen for?_

John must have misinterpreted his stricken look. He chuckled as he kissed his lips gently, then his forehead. "I won't, I won't. Don't worry." Nuzzling his face into the crook of Daniel's neck he gave a low, appreciative groan, wrapping one leg over his hip and stroking his skin with the inside of his thigh. "Feels so completely decadent, being with you....."

Daniel closed his eyes with a soft sigh. What had he gotten himself into? But it was hard to not to want to linger with John's lips gentle on his throat, limbs wrapped around him in a deliciously possessive manner. Could he let himself stay? How long did John have left, in this identity? Weeks? Days? Hours? Would it be worth the pain of separation to steal what time he could with him? "It does."

"Mmmm. Good." John's contented sigh teased against his skin. "Stay with me, Daniel. Wanna wake up like this. I'll spoil you rotten, if you let me. I have a yacht, you know. Out in Shell Beach. We could drive out tomorrow... make love on the waves....."

For a moment Daniel's intoxicated mind supplied the image of brightness, of John's beautiful features bathed in sunlight, smiling down on him as he leaned in for a kiss. Then the reality of it jarred him away. There would never be a boat or a beach or sunlight. There would never be a _them_.

But, god help him, he couldn't bear to tell John that.

"I'd really like that," he whispered, swallowing down the lump in his throat. John gave a low, happy hum in response, and before long his breathing grew deep in sleep, body lax and warm against his own.

Daniel stayed like that as long as he dared, until he felt sleep threatening the edges of his own awareness. Then he carefully extracted himself from John's embrace, silently picking his clothes off the floor and dressing.

Asleep in bed John somehow looked far more peaceful than he ever did during the Tuning. Daniel sighed, stroking his fingers gently through his dark curls, watching John's lips twitch upwards in sleep in response.

"I'm sorry," Daniel murmured softly, heart aching. Then he leaned down to press a soft kiss to his temple, lingering, breathing in his scent.

"I love you," he whispered. Then he straightened and forced himself to leave before he could make any more mistakes.

~~~


	4. Act 2 - John the 2nd - Part 2

Daniel sought refuge in his library - the small, warm room entirely apart from his research lab and its collection of scientific tomes. But it was hard to concentrate on words when he could still feel John's lips on his skin, still hear the silken beauty of his words. Part of him hated himself for leaving, for voluntarily giving up what little he could have of John. But would a few more stolen minutes have meant anything more than pain?

_You have to work through this unhealthy obsession. Put him out of your mind completely._

In the end he set aside his book, abandoning his easy chair for the desk. There was a clean sheet of writing paper on the top, and his fountain pen made neat, sable lines across its surface.

_Dear John,_

His pen hesitated over the paper. So many secrets weighed behind his lips - the truth of the city and his role. How helpless he felt against it, how he hated himself for it. But what catharsis could he have from that?

 _I love you,_ he wrote finally. _Such simple, heart-wrenching words. I whispered them to you tonight as you slept. As I left you without saying goodbye. I couldn't bear to hurt you again, even though you can't remember that time. I couldn't bear to give you the same excuses as before. To tell you that I can't allow you to care for me, despite how much I want you to._

_You're becoming an addiction that I can't afford to have. Because every time we meet, every time you smile at me like you remember what we've had before, every time we make love... you give me hope that I cannot afford to have._

_Every time I love you I lose you. Every time I imprint you, I lose you, I lose another piece of myself with you, and I have so little left of me._

_Forgive me my weakness. Forgive me that I cannot tell you this, though you would not understand even if I could, just as you will never read this._

_Just know that if I were free - if the sun were to rise upon a day when every decision I made was my own - that I would offer you everything I am just to see you smile at me again._

He didn't sign it. It was silly, saccharine, and none of the catharsis he needed. He should crumple it, rip it to pieces. Throw it in the fire until there was nothing left of this terrible obsession but ash. But he couldn't bring himself to do so.

Instead he blotted it, folded it neatly, and left his desk, kneeling on the floor beside one of the bookshelves. Hidden behind a row of books on philosophy from people who had never lived here, an oversized tome on anatomy lay on its spine. Removing it, he opened it to a page in the middle with a pressed red rose and slipped the letter in with it, replacing the few stray petals that had escaped to fall on the floor.

 _You're done,_ he tried to tell himself. _There's no logic in continuing to think on him. No benefit for you. Leave him behind._

~~~

Three nights later, he re-imprinted John. It should have made him feel validated. Instead it just made him feel empty.

Afterwards he went to bed, making no attempt to go anywhere. What was the point of it? Eventually his alarm rang, though the only thing that roused him was the fear of Their reprisals if he failed to show up.

He did his best to forget. There were so many reminders John in the city, when he found himself seeing ghosts on the streets in the form of dark haired men. So he shut himself away, forcing himself to resume old studies and experiments with his lab rats that he'd long ago lost interest in. It was difficult, when even food seemed turn to sawdust in his mouth. But it would become habit, he told himself, forcing himself to repeat the same things, day after day. It would become habit, and then he could do everything on auto pilot, and maybe finally find the numbness so badly craved.

He imprinted John again. He tried not to pay attention to his role, his experiment. The new person he became. It did him no benefit, to know. And in truth, he wasn't certain that he could have resisted the urge to seek him out, given the opportunity.

But all his resolve couldn't stop the agonizing twist in his heart every time he found John at the other end of his syringe at midnight.

 _Accept it,_ he told himself finally. _Of all the pain you've endured, what's a little more?_ That, at least, could give him a small measure of peace. That was his world. His punishment for his participation in the mental rape of his own kind, over and over.

It was a thought that he clung to even more stubbornly as he hurried home one night after the Tuning. Better to think on that than his brief brush with John only moments prior, to think on how soft his curls has been under Daniel's fingers as he brushed them back from his forehead, how hard it had been to keep his fingers from shaking as he pressed the plunger of the syringe....

Turning a corner, he half collided with someone, whimpering as the unexpected movement jarred his back.

"I'm sorry - are you alright?"

That voice.

Daniel drew a sharp breath, turning to look up into the familiar bright green eyes of a man whose brows were knit in concern. His expression became more contemplative as he regarded Daniel. "I know you from the hospital, don't I?"

For a moment Daniel felt like he could hardly breathe, let alone answer. How could he have possibly.....

"It's... Daniel, right?" He stepped closer, taking Daniel's elbow gently. "Are you alright? Can I help you sit down somewhere?"

John. _John._

No current experiment, his memory supplied from the templates he'd made earlier that day. A spare, a subject tucked away in a normal, unremarkable identity until he was needed. That could be weeks from now, even months. 

Or days.

He should decline, should wrench away. He'd spent months trying to forget about this. Trying to shut himself off. Months of trying and all his resolve drained away at the sound of his name on John's lips.

He knew he should leave. But the thought of doing so, of willingly turning John away, left him with a strange, trembling feeling of panic. And how could John have recognized him? How had he remembered his name?

"I'm sorry," he managed finally. "You took me by surprise. I was just on -- my way home."

"Long shift, hm? Me too. Hey, I don't remember seeing you around Urgent Care. What's your specialty?"

This, at least, he didn't have to lie about. "I am a -- Psychiatrist."

John beamed at him. "Oh good."

"I'm sorry?"

"I just mean - um - better shifts, better working hours that way. Right? Less night shifts? And we don't work together directly, so...." John's cheeks actually flushed pink as he spoke, flustered and somehow even more beautiful because of it. "Hey, listen. Daniel, I... I really hate eating alone. I don't suppose I could buy you dinner? Oh - I'm John, by the way."

How could he refuse such earnest hopefulness?

 _You'll regret this,_ he tried to tell himself, and shivered at the helpless realization that followed.

_I don't care._

"Thank you," he breathed, feeling his cheeks heat self-consciously. "It's very kind of you -- to offer. I'd like that, John."

"Really? Great! There's this wonderful little a cafe around the corner, then. How do you feel about apple pie?" John's smile was nearly blindly bright with joy as he spoke, and Daniel couldn't understand if he wanted to laugh at the beauty of it or curse his own, inevitable stupidity.

Instead he slipped hand into the crook of John's elbow and followed him down the street.

~~~


	5. Act 3 -John the 3rd - Part 1

Despite very much wanting to, Daniel didn't immediately beg his way into John's bed. But he did spend what turned out to be hours (yet felt like far less than that) taking with him across the table the little diner, transfixed by the green of his eyes, by the lilt of his voice and the way his words would end in a smile as he held Daniel's gaze. So pretty, far too pretty to be so interested in someone like Daniel. But somehow his scars and battered body didn't seem any more a deterrent to John than they had the previous times they'd met.

The possibility that this might be like those last painful meetings was too much to bear. The thought that John taken from him again when he'd just barely found him.... Part of his mind screamed to engage, to make the most of every moment, to beg his way into John's bed as quickly as possible. But how would that be any different? However, if he waited, if John was still John tomorrow....

Sometime after a second cup of coffee John had reached out across the table, smiling when Daniel slid his hand into his without hesitation. John looked down at their joined hands, stroking his thumb along the backs of his knuckles, warm gentle. "I'd really like to stay here with you longer," he said softly. "But... I have shift tomorrow night. Tonight. You know what I mean. I don't know what your schedule is like, but I normally get off at midnight...." His eyes flicked up to Daniel's as the tip of his tongue wet his lips. "Can I see you again?"

"I'd like that -- very much. Perhaps... here? Twelve-thirty?" It should give him enough time to make his way here without arousing suspicion, he reasoned. Regardless of where the night's Tuning left him.

John's squeezed his hand gently, eyes shining. "I'll be here."

They stayed out later the second night, crowded next to each other on the bench, hand in hand. It was delightfully refreshing just to talk to him, this John who was free to do as he wished, outside the scope of an experiment. And John was so happy, so adoring....

"I'm really glad I ran into you," John said softly, as the night grew long on their third meeting. "It's... hard, being up when most of the world is asleep. I became a doctor because I wanted to help people, but... somehow things just feel....." He sighed, fingers tightening on Daniel's as he stared down at the table.

"Lonely." The murmured word was past Daniel's lips before he could stop it.

But John gave a soft, mirthless laugh. "Yeah. It's funny, the night I bumped into you - before I bumped into you, I mean... I was just overwhelmed with this sudden sense of... desolation. Which was ridiculous because I was at work, I was surrounded by people I know. I'm sorry, this sounds so silly, I...."

"It's not," he said softly, and watched John shake his head.

"That I should feel alone in a city of thousands?"

"I feel the same. When I'm not -- with you." Daniel felt the tips of his ears burn at the admission.

John gave a soft hum, turning into him, hand tightening on his as he brought the other to stroke the side of Daniel's cheek gently. His lips parted, drawing a soft breath as if to say something. Then he drew back completely, pulling his wallet from the breast pocket of his coat along with a neatly folded piece of paper, which he pressed into Daniel's hand.

"Please read that," he said softly. "When you're alone. Home, not here. If you... afterwards, if it's.... I'd like to see you tomorrow. Please."

He seemed flustered, nervous. Daniel tried to give him a gentle smile. "Of course. I would like that -- very much. Same time?"

John nodded, setting a few bills on the table. Then he leaned in, lips brushing his cheek, soft and light, and before Daniel could react he was gone.

It felt like the paper was burning a hole in his pocket the entire way home. Tucked into his library, he finally unfolded it, stomach quivering with a mix of eager anticipation and anxiousness.

_Daniel,_

_Forgive me to resorting to such an impersonal delivery. Getting to know you these past few nights has been the highlight  
of my days, and yet I couldn't bear to utter these words in the harsh brightness of that diner over cheap coffee._

_I love you. Do you believe in love at first sight? The moment I saw you I felt like I'd found the missing part of myself. Please_  
_forgive me for being so bold. I want to love you openly, like so few men dare to do. I don't want some furtive, anonymous_  
_encounter in an alley or the corner of a bath house. I want to dote on you, take you to expensive restaurants, the cinema._  
_I want to take you out to Shell Beach and walk hand in hand with you across the sand as the waves kiss our bare feet._  
_I want to fall asleep every night with you in my arms. I want you to be the first thing I see when I wake. I want a partner_  
_for as long as you want me._

_If you do not feel the same, then please accept my sincere apologies for putting you in this position. But I believe that you do.  
I hope. I hope._

_Please meet me tomorrow at 231 Main Street East. Until then I will keep you in my heart._

_All my love,_  
_~ John_

The picture he painted was so beautiful that Daniel's throat ached. A life like that - free of the Strangers' control, of the experiments. Free to be his own person, with John his side. How could he ever let himself hope for it when it could never be possible? 

And yet.... pieces of it could be, perhaps. For a short time. If he was diligent, if he was careful to never let his time with John affect his work or make him late. The Strangers had no need to watch him on his time off, they hadn't needed to for years. So as long as he was careful, as long as he was certain to give them no reason to suspect him....

Could he really have something so wonderful?

Re-folding the letter, he pressed an indulgent kiss to the paper, then hid it away inside the anatomy book next to his own, unsent letter and the single dried rose. It was perhaps somewhat unwise to keep proof of what he'd been doing and intended to do. But They rarely chose to visit his home, let alone search the entirety of his library. He could afford to keep a small memento, for when....

 _Don't think of the end,_ he told himself, pushing away the shiver of fear. _Think of the beginning._

~~~


	6. Act 3 - John the 3rd - Part 2

Daniel stepped out of a highrise apartment building the next night as the city came back to life. 231 Main Street East was halfway across the city, but it wasn't uncommon for him to take a cab when the Tuning left him far from home. He gave the driver the address and spent the ride fiddling with the clasp on his bag, stomach churning with a mix of excitement and anxiety. There was too much traffic, the car was too slow, and he had just checked the time on his pocketwatch for what felt like the fiftieth time when the cab pulled to a stop beside an open plaza that lead to one of the city's grand bridges.

"Here you are, buddy."

"Here?" Daniel looked around in surprise.

"Yeah. 231 Main Street East, right? You need to go somewhere else?"

Daniel looked down into the plaza, toward the river, and caught sight of a familiar silhouette seated on one of the benches. The man turned, pretty features thrown into sharp relief in the lamplight, and Daniel felt a thrill rush through him.

"No," he told the cabby, fumbling with his wallet, handing him probably too much cash as his pulse thundered against his eardrums. "Thank you." Mouth suddenly dry, he stepped from the cab.

John, catching sight of him, broke into a smile. He rose from the bench and started towards him. At the head of the plaza stairs, Daniel floundered. What could he say? How could he explain how much he wanted this but the restrictions he needed to put on it? He started down the steps towards him. "John, I - "

"You came." John stopped on the steps in front of him, and before Daniel could answer he reached up to cup his face with a gentle hand, bringing their mouths together, warm and yearning.

Daniel's thoughts tumbled away into nothing, into thrill and warmth and need. He arched closer with a soft whimper, sliding one hand up to hook around the back of John's neck, lips parting against his to suck at his bottom lip. John gave a pleased, surprised noise, wrapping an arm around his waist to pull him closer. When Daniel's lips parted to his he took the invitation eagerly, tasting of coffee and heat and kissing him like he wanted to drive every sensibility from him with just his lips and tongue.

He felt faintly dizzy when John finally broke from his mouth, nuzzling his ear, equally breathless. "My darling," John murmured, low and throaty, the words a pulse of arousal that went straight to Daniel's cock. John nuzzled his jaw before moving to press their foreheads together, pulling back and catching Daniel's hat as the movement dislodged it. "I'm sorry - "

"It's fine." Daniel forced himself to step back, straightening his hat, trying to pull a slow breath to clear his mind. "Could we perhaps -- go somewhere? More private? Where we can -- talk?"

John followed him up the steps to the sidewalk, nodding. "If you like, um, I live about a block from here. Or we could go for dinner," he added quickly. "Whichever you like. Oh - I brought this for you...."

He'd been holding a single long-stem rosebud in his other hand, which he held out. Daniel felt his cheeks heat, felt breathless and shy as he reached out to take it. "Thank you. It's - it's very sweet of you.."

"Or sappy." John gave a small, slightly awkward laugh, ducking his head. He stepped close to him, resting a hand on the small of his back, just firmly enough that Daniel thought he could feel the heat of his skin through his jacket. He gave into the urge to lean back into the touch, watching John smile. "So... where to?"

"I..." Daniel swallowed, telling himself not to seem too eager. But how could he resist the invitation he'd been longing for since the moment they'd met again? "I would like to see -- your home. If that's alright. It's very kind of you -- to offer."

John smiled, adoring in a way that made Daniel's knees feel much less solid. "It's kind of you to accept," he replied, arm tightening around his waist as they started to walk.

His apartment was upscale, though small - the kind of small belonging to someone used to living by oneself, and not entertaining. _A common characteristic of spares. Less connections to erase the next time they were needed._ Daniel frowned at the unwanted information his brain supplied, toeing off his shoes and letting John take and set aside his coat, hat and bag. Then he followed him into the main living area.

The living space was open, with classy, upscale finishes and decor, but standard and barren of personal touches. Except.... Daniel moved closer to the large canvas hanging over the couch - bright, messy strokes of what looked like acrylic paint that spoke of the sand and sun and sea.

"Would you like a drink?" John moved to open the hutch beside his kitchen table. "I have some decent bourbon. Or I could open a bottle of wine."

"You don't need to ply me -- with alcohol," Daniel murmured, feeling a rush of embarrassment even as the words left his mouth. "I mean - "

"It's alright." John chuckled, moving to stand with him, sliding an arm around his waist and pressing his lips to his hair. "My sweet, shy Daniel...."

Daniel closed his eyes, leaning into him, heart pounding as if trying to escape his chest. It was silly to feel so shy when he'd engaged in so many carnal encounters in the past. But none of them meant anything. Not compared to John. "I'm sorry. I'm not used to this kind of -- attention from someone so kind. Or good looking."

John gave another little chuckle. "Not sure about the good looking. But I'll try and remedy the rest of that." His fingers stroked up and down Daniel's side through his suit jacket, a soft tease of sensation. "Do you like the painting? I passed by a gallery on my way to work yesterday. Made me think of Shell Beach."

Worry shivered through him. "John...."

"I really would like to take you there sometime," John murmured, nuzzling his hair. "Spend a day or two in the sun... away from night shifts....." He looked concerned as Daniel pulled away from him. "Or not...?"

"I can't," Daniel's voice quivered on the words. "I can't give you -- everything you want, John. I'm sorry. Loving openly, I can't - I - "

"Shh...." John stepped into him again, pressing a soft kiss to his mouth, his forehead. "It's alright. Whatever you need...."

"You." Setting aside the rose on the coffee table, Daniel wrapped his arms up around his neck, cuddling into him. "I need to be close -- to you. To wake up in your arms. I need the light and the -- kindness you bring to my life. But I can't - "

"That's more than enough for me." John's lips trembled as they sought his again, fingers tightening on the small of his back. "Just let me love you. Please, Daniel, I - I can't imagine being without you, I - "

Daniel cut him off with another kiss, tangling his fingers in his hair. "Take me to bed, John. Please. I need you...."

"Oh, sweetheart...." John gave a soft moan into his mouth, kissing him long and yearning. Then he stepped away, smile wondering, adoring, drawing him back through the apartment to his bedroom.

How did John's touch feel so much more intense than the lovers he'd so frequently solicited? How were his kisses so much more overwhelming? Was it just that he'd made himself wait for this? Was it the months of longing after they'd been separated? Or was it simply that he was finally allowing himself to give in to this entirely, no matter the consequences?

"Shh," John murmured, nuzzling his jaw as he unbuttoned his shirt, shrugging off his own as Daniel pushed it off his shoulders with trembling fingers. His lips traced up his neck warmly, stroking his chest through the thin cotton of his undershirt. "Won't hurt you, my sweet darling... going to take such good care of you...."

"I know," Daniel whispered, tilting his head back to his kisses, whimpering at the tease of his teeth. "God, John...."

By the time John pressed him back into bed he was hard and aching with want, stealing kisses from John's lips that became more and more desperate. John moved back to kneel between his thighs, eyes moving down his body as his hands stroked over the thin cotton of his undershirt. He bit his bottom lip as his fingers teased along the bottom hem, then rubbed down over Daniel's bare thighs. "So gorgeous," he murmured, low and husky, leaning down to suck gently at Daniel's throat, above the neckline of his undershirt. His fingers trailed up the line of buttons. "May I?"

Daniel managed a nod, drawing a shaky breath. John made another soft, soothing noise, kissing down over revealed skin as his fingers unbuttoned his last article of clothing. He gave no visible reaction to the scars under his lips, only lavishing attention on the sensitive skin, finally covering one of his nipples with his mouth, groaning as he sucked and teased the small nub of flesh. His palms stroked hungrily over Daniel's bare stomach and hips, teasing and caressing until Daniel felt like his whole body was a livewire, aching with pleasure and needing more. "Oh god, John... Please, I...."

"Anything you want, sweetheart," he murmured, then slid down his body, lips parting over the head of his cock with a low groan.

For a moment all Daniel could focus on was the eager bliss of his lover's mouth, John's appreciative groans thrumming through him as his lips slid down the length of his shaft again and again. His skill in this was undeniable - perhaps muscle memory, Daniel thought hazily, tangling his fingers in John's hair. That made his lover groan more, a little desperate, fingers digging into Daniel's hips as he swallowed around the girth of his cock, hot and tight and perfect.

Daniel cried out breathlessly at the rush of sensation, shuddering, part of him wanting nothing more than to lose himself to John's tender ministrations. But part of his mind couldn't completely step away from reality, couldn't push away the nagging thought that John could very well be someone else tomorrow. And if tonight was all he had....

He tugged at John's curls. "John. Make love to me. Please."

"God..." John pressed an opened mouthed kiss to his stomach, breathing deep. Then he crawled up to kiss him, tugging the bedside drawer open. "You sure? I'm happy to just spoil you...."

"You will be," Daniel murmured, taking the lube from him, kissing away his gasp of pleasure as he slicked the length of his cock, then reaching between his own thighs to push his fingers up inside himself.. "Like this. I'm good for it. Please...."

John gave a little helpless whimper against his mouth, grabbing a pillow and tucking it under his hips. A slick finger joined Daniel's soon after, pushing in along side his with a groan. "God, you have no idea how much I've been thinking about this...."

"As much as I," Daniel breathed, pulling his fingers away and wrapping his thighs up around John's waist. "Please...."

John's lips found his as he pressed against him, drawing a sharp gasp as he started to rock inside him. This, too, felt somehow far better than Daniel remembered, and soon he was arching up against him, tightening thighs around his waist to push him deeper. "God - !"

John's hips stuttered into him as he drew a trembling breath. "God, you feel good," he gasped, grinding deep. "So tight... fuck, Daniel...."

"Please," Daniel gasped again, moaning as John drew back to fill him again with a harder thrust. "God, yes - !"

John's lips dropped to his neck, brushing breathless kisses as he found rhythm with him. "Oh, sweetheart," his hips jerked up a little harder, groan helpless. "God, I - "

"Harder," Daniel gasped. "However you like. God, John...."

John pressed a trembling kiss to his mouth, then sat back, pulling Daniel's hips up onto his lap and lifting one calf to his shoulder. It let them come together more completely, but what took Daniel's breath away was the tender wonder in John's eyes as he looked down at him. He stroked one hand down Daniel's chest, palming his cock, finally taking him in hand.

"So goddamn gorgeous," he murmured, turning his head to nuzzle Daniel's calf as he started to move harder, rolling his hips up so that each thrust left Daniel seeing stars. He moved to drive every thought from his mind, the hard snaps of his hips pushing Daniel's cock into the grip of his fingers.

Daniel's fingers scrambled at the sheets for purchase, body shuddering with the need to come as pleasure built hot and fast. He wanted to savor it, to feel John's climax, to watch him lose himself to pleasure. John, it seemed, had other ideas. He picked up the pace until Daniel could barely breathe, each thrust driving a cry of pleasure from his lips. "That's it," he gasped, moving harder. "God, love... wanna feel you come on my cock, come on, sweetheart...."

Whether it was his words or the sensation alone, Daniel found himself tumbling, dizzy with pleasure, gasping for breath as the black intensity of orgasm overwhelmed him. The push of John's cock encouraged each shock that shuddered through him, fingers milking every last drop of his orgasm, and when Daniel could finally breathe again he opened his eyes to John's fingers, gentle on his cheek, cock still hard but still inside him.

Daniel turned his face to press breathless kisses to his fingers, trying to wiggle back against him. "Don't stop."

"But - "

"Please."

John gave a soft, helpless moan, hips stuttering up into him again. He shifted to let Daniel's legs down around his waist again, so he could lean down to kiss him again, breathless and trembling. "Daniel...."

Daniel stroked his fingers through his hair, holding him to his kisses, rocking up against him. The stimulation was nearly agonizing in the aftermath of orgasm, but the need to feel John's pleasure was far greater. "Don't hold back," he whispered, moaning as John's hips stuttered into him at his words. "Oh, that's it... please... let me feel you, John... come inside me...."

John gave a breathless laugh. "Won't take long," he gasped, words ending on a whine. "God, love - !"

My love, Daniel wanted to say, biting the words back with a shuddering gasp. He focused instead on John's pleasure, the helpless bucks of his hips, the beauty of his cry as he reached his peak. Even then part of him never wanted it to end, wanted John to keep fucking him though the slick of his seed, keep every thought from Daniel's mind but the sensation of their union.

John curled over him as he caught his breath, holding him tightly. "Thank you," he breathed finally, nuzzling his ear. "God... it's been so long since I've... since it's meant anything...."

Daniel had to swallow around the sudden lump in his throat. "I know," he whispered. "You're so good to me, John, I - "

"How could I be anything but?" John's words were a soft caress on his cheek, lips dragging over his skin. He nuzzled a kiss into his mouth, slow and warm. "Stay with me tonight. We can order food in. Or I'll make something. Please....."

 _How could I bear to leave you?_ Daniel smiled, cupping his cheek. "If I stay... will you make love to me -- again?"

John smiled wide, kissing his palm. "As many times as you like, my darling. Your wish is my command.

~~~


	7. Act 3 - John the 3rd - Part 3

They fell asleep sometime around six, which gave Daniel enough time for a full sleep cycle before having to wake for the night's Tuning. It was harder than he anticipated to leave the warm comfort of John's embrace - especially when his lover insisted on curling closer and nuzzling kisses into his skin - but there was too much at stake to tarry.

"I'll meet you at the hospital after work," he whispered, pressing a kiss to his hair and hurrying away.

It was fortunate that their schedules matched up so well, he couldn't help but think, spending the next cycle creating new memories while John worked at the hospital. The smile on John's face when he found Daniel waiting for him after the Tuning could have lit up the city, and Daniel felt a little more of the coldness inside him melt away.

Eventually, he knew John would have questions. At the very least about why Daniel never seemed to have a day away from work. Or more innocent ones, like _where_ he worked, or why he never asked John to his own home. But for now he was happy not to think on it. It was easier to lose himself in John's arms, to the kind of passion and adoration Daniel had never allowed himself to even dream of experiencing.

Two weeks of nights together stretched into three, stretched into a beautiful level of comfort and familiarity. John had made a few normal inquiries about _work_ and _home_ in the course of their conversation - only natural, only polite - but Daniel had easily been able to give vague answers and steer the conversation in another direction, or distract John with nicer things. But three weeks was already more time than he'd ever hoped he'd be able to have with John. And though he badly wanted to let himself fall into the security of _routine_ , his logical mind was well aware that the chances of finding John at the other end of his syringe at midnight increased every day, and he was tumbling faster and faster towards heartbreak.

He let his eyes drink in the beauty of John's form one night after they'd made love. Could he engrave this sweet beauty in his mind? It was more than just the green of his eyes with their fringe of thick lashes that Daniel badly needed to memories, his pretty high cheekbones, the fall of his hair. It was the way his lips turned up as Daniel stroked his fingertips over the side of his face, the softness and adoration in his eyes when he looked at him. Like there was nothing in the world more important, more precious.

Tonight, though, John reached up to return the touch with a soft sigh, lips quirking unhappily as he traced his fingers. "Sweetheart," he murmured, arching up to kiss him, and Daniel felt a shiver of worry.

"Is everything alright?" 

John gave a soft, soundless laugh against his mouth. "With me? Of course. I have the most wonderful man in the world in my arms. But you...." his brows knit as he drew back to look at him again. "I... just wish I could make you happy like that."

Dismay flooded through him, followed by worry. He shook his head. "I am happy. John, you - what you've given me is -- indescribable. I'm so lucky, so... grateful to have you. Please believe me...."

John's expression made his heart ache, wide-eyed and sorrowful, pupils blown large in the dim lamplight of his bedroom. "I believe that," he said softly, though the worried furrow between his eyebrows deepened. "It's more that... I see this look in your eyes when you look at me, darling. This helplessness, like... like you expect this to end at any moment. Daniel, I... I won't leave you. I love you...."

He'd convinced himself he could keep his feelings from John. That he _must_ keep them from him. What good would it do, to saddle him with this anxiety? John would never experience their separation. All of his memories of this time would be wiped clean, and he'd go on none the wiser. But John's observation had been so astute that Daniel couldn't push away the well of despair they awoke in him.

Heart aching, he closed his eyes, turning his face into John's palm as if it could hide his emotion. I love you so much, he wanted to say, and the words still stuck in his throat.

John gave a soft, dismayed moan, arching up to kiss his face, cuddling him close. "You can talk to me," he murmured, stroking his hair. "I promise. Whatever it is...."

"It isn't you." Daniel finally managed to reply. "I promise."

"Then what?" John pressed a trembling kiss to his temple, fingers stilling on his back. "... are you married?"

A slightly hysterical feeling laugh escaped from Daniel's lips. "No. God, if it were -- that."

John gave a soft, incredulous noise. "Worse than that?"

Trembling, Daniel buried his face in John's chest, choking back a helpless sob. John's arms tightened around him, stroking his hair, his back.

"Shh, love... you don't have to say anything. I'm sorry. I just... wish I could help....."

"I'm sorry," Daniel whispered. "If you could... god, if there was -- anything...."

John's gentle caress up and down his spine continued, warm and reassuring. "Nothing, love?"

Daniel let out a long breath. This was his burden to bear, his alone. But he'd failed in keeping it from him. How could it be any worse to tell him some version of the truth?

"I told you that I can't give you -- everything you want from me," he started softly. "It's not by choice. If it were up to me..." a soft sob escaped his throat.

"It's okay, sweetheart. I know...."

"You don't," he gasped. "You don't, and I... there's things I can't -- tell you. And I need you to -- not ask. Please."

"Of course, whatever you need...."

Daniel closed his eyes, swallowing hard. "There are people that I... answer to. More powerful than -- I can tell you. Being with you, with anyone, is something that is -- expressly forbidden. I have been -- obedient. For a very long time. But sooner or later, They... I...!"

John drew a deep breath, shuddering against him, arms briefly so tight that Daniel's head spun. Then one of his hands moved on Daniel's back, tracing one of the lines of white scar tissue that striped his back. He swallowed hard. "That's who hurt you."

"Yes."

John's voice shook. "Will they hurt you for being with me?"

Would they? Daniel's eyes burned with tears. "I don't care."

John gave a soft, helpless moan, shifting to kiss him, pressing trembling kisses to his lips, his eyes, his forehead. "Then we'll leave. I don't care where we have to go. I'll take you someplace they can't find you."

Daniel have a soft, helpless laugh. "John, you can't do that."

"Why not? There's nothing else for me here, I have nothing left without you!"

"Because such a place -- does not exist!"

"But -"

"Do you think I haven't -- tried? Why do you think that I -- have these scars? Why I can't even -- draw enough breath -- to speak? Why I - " Daniel shut his eyes as the world swam, breathing hard.

"Daniel? Oh god, love... shh, it's okay. Anything you want, I promise. Just relax, please. Breathe slow...."

Daniel opened his eyes to find himself laid back on the pillows, John hovering him worriedly. "I'm sorry," he whispered, blinking away two more tears that rolled wet down the side of his face. "I should -- have told you. Please forgive me. I should - "

"It's okay, sweetheart. There's nothing to forgive. Just..." John let out a soft, helpless breath. "Please tell me what to do, Daniel. I...."

Daniel had to swallow down the lump in his throat before he could speak. He reached up to cup John's cheek, hating himself for being the cause of the misery he could see in his sweet lover's eyes. "Please love me," he whispered. "For as long as -- you can. I need you so badly, John."

John nodded, eyes bright, lips trembling when they found his. "I promise. I won't stop. Not ever. Even if...." He drew a shivering breath. "Will you just disappear? How can I know that you're safe?"

Daniel arched up to return his kiss, stroking his fingers through his hair. John would never have to suffer their separation. That was his only comfort. "I promise I -- will send word. I will find a way."

"Okay." John kissed him again, then pulled back with a watery smile. "... don't suppose you're replaceable to Them?"

Daniel tried to smile at his attempt at mirth, heart aching more. "I'm afraid... I could not wish my work -- on anyone."

John's expression grew serious again. "Is it... legal? What you do for them?"

"It... is not illegal."

John nodded slowly, chewing his bottom lip as he looked down. Finally his eyes flicked up again, worried. "Is it... worth it?"

Sorrow clenched at his heart. "John, I have no -- choice."

"No, I mean... this. Am I... worth it?"

He looked so lost as he spoke. So helpless. And Daniel felt such a surge of emotion that he didn't know himself if the soft, strangled sound that escaped his throat was an incredulous laugh or a sob. He arched up to kiss him, trembling, holding tight until he could speak again.

"A single moment with you -- would be worth this," he whispered. "You are the light -- that I never deserved. That will sustain me -- no matter what happens. You will be the -- most beautiful thing -- I will ever experience. And I will never forget you. So you are a hundred -- thousand times worth it, John. I... I'm so in love with you."

John gave a choked, helpless breath - or perhaps it was a sob. Then he was kissing him, trembling, needy. "My love," he murmured, voice rough. Daniel was all too happy to lose himself to those kisses, to comforting caresses that turned needy, clinging together as John made love to him like he'd disappear at any second.

~~~

"Don't go," John whispered as Daniel extracted himself from his embrace for the night's Tuning. "Whatever it is...."

Daniel sighed, leaning in to press a soft kiss to his lips. "I must. I'm sorry. Go back -- to sleep, love. I will see you -- tonight."

"Promise?"

Daniel fought down bitterness, kept it from his smile. "I promise. I will see you -- no matter what." _Even if it is at the end of my syringe._

"...allright."

Daniel sighed, stroking John's dark curls back from his forehead with gentle touch. For the number of times John had made him feel protected, safe, he looked so lost now. He leaned in to press a soft kiss to his forehead, then his mouth. "I promise," he murmured. "I love you, John."

The last thing that he expected that night was to follow the Strangers from the underneath during the Tuning to see John slumped to the ground behind a dumpster nearby. Heart pounding, Daniel forced his gaze away as soon as it landed on him, forced himself not to react, to follow the group of Strangers out into the city like John was no more than another subject, asleep.

All the while his mind raced. Had John followed him? He should still be at home in bed. He had to have followed him. Had he seen the door the Strangers had created for him from nothing? Had he seen where Daniel had gone?

He managed to stay calm throughout the Tuning, finishing his duties with careful exactness. Then he stepped away, as he did every night. He had an hour before reporting to the Underneath to receive the work order for the next set of identities, and they weren't far....

John was still brushing off his coat when Daniel returned to the alley. He looked over at him blearily. "Daniel?"

Daniel caught his arm, towing him from the alley and down the street as quickly as he could. "You can't -- be here."

"But..." John shook his head, still dazed. "I don't...."

Glancing up and down the street, Daniel pushed him into the doorway of a laundromat. "You cannot follow me, John. Not ever."

John's brows furrowed. "Must have passed out, but... head doesn't hurt.... I had the strangest...." He sucked in a sharp breath, paling. "All these terrible men were chasing you, all dressed in black. They were hurting you...."

"Stop," Daniel begged, pressing fingers to his lips. "John. Listen to me. You cannot -- follow me. Do not attempt -- to discover my employers. If you do -- they will find out about us. They know your face, now."

"Oh god." John went paler, horrified. "I didn't - I'm sorry, Daniel, I - "

"Can't be helped. But I - " Daniel glanced out down the street again and froze. A glance was all he needed to recognize _those_ silhouettes. He pushed John through the door into the laundromat. "Go inside," he hissed. "Hurry. Hide in the back. Change your clothes. Don't follow me!"

"Will I see you again?"

"Tonight. After work. I'll find you. Go!" Then he stepped back out onto the sidewalk, moving as smooth and natural as his crippled form would allow. He could only pray that John would listen, would follow his instructions.....

"How unusual to see you here, Doctor."

Daniel fought down the instinctive urge to panic that was almost always brought on by Mr. Hand's voice. His words were smooth and without anger, but Daniel had well learned that this being could turn on dime. "When we were leaving I -- noticed a man. He seemed -- out of place for the Tuning. But he has gone. I was probably -- mistaken."

"We noticed this man too." Mr. Hand kept moving, his posses peering suspiciously at Daniel as they passed. As they walked by the laundromat Daniel forced himself not to glance inside, praying that John had listened, had hidden himself. When they'd passed the windows without incident he felt a wave of relief.

Mr. Hand observed the alley, expressionless. Then he turned suddenly, pushing Daniel up against the rough brick, a hand at his throat. "You have been careless, doctor. Did this man follow you? Did he see the door we made for you? Such a thing could invalidate experiments. We are not pleased."

"I wasn't -- followed," Daniel gasped through the well of panic, shuddering, trying to draw breath as his fingers tightened. "I made certain! Perhaps he -- he simply stopped -- for a cigarette -- "

For a brief, agonizing moment Daniel was certain that he was going to black out. Then Mr. Hand released him. Daniel half crumpled against the wall, vision swimming, gasping for breath.

"You may be right. But we must remind you of the consequences if you are not careful in the future, Doctor. We expect you back at work within the hour. Use entrance three this time. We must be sure this one has not been compromised."

There were several cigarette butts on the ground by the dumpster, Daniel noticed with relief as the world came back into focus. The three Strangers strode down the alley to the pickup point, all scanning the area pointedly. Then the brick in front of them shifted into an opening long enough for them to step through and disappear.

Entrance three was farther from both his home and John's, but it couldn't be helped. It was foolish of him to have gotten into the habit of using this one to begin with.

He glanced down the street towards the laundromat. In the distance he could see a figure in an oversized sweatshirt walking away from him, the hood up over his head. John?

Forcing himself not to follow, Daniel started slowly towards home, heart aching at the consequences these circumstances would bring.

~~~

 

He forced himself to return home after the Tuning, regardless of the fact that all he wanted to do was return to John's apartment, John's arms. Instead he sat down, made a cup of tea and ate a slice of toast that stuck in his throat.

Then he straightened his apartment - something he'd rather neglected, but not particularly needed considering that he'd mostly been elsewhere - gathered up his dry cleaning, and left the house just after the clock struck two.

He tried to be aware of his surroundings as he made his way to his regular dry cleaners, but the constant edge of panic he'd been riding since leaving Hand didn't make it easy. Was the prickle on the back of his neck a sign that They were watching him, or simply his own anxiety?

If they were watching there was nothing he could do, no way he would detect them. He knew that much. Part of him wanted to run back home and hide. But John would surely come looking for him if he didn't keep his word. It was a risk he needed to take.

Slipping out the back door of the dry cleaners, he made his way to John's apartment, trying not to wonder if it would be the last time he'd do so.

John answered the door seconds after he'd knocked, pulling Daniel inside, into a tight embrace. "Are you alright? God, I didn't know if I'd see you again. I'm so sorry, Daniel, I was so stupid - "

Daniel silenced him with a kiss, trembling, kissing him again and again. He couldn't hold back his tears, kissing him until he was pulling breath against his lips in soft sobs, until John's choked breath echoed his, his fingers stroking Daniel's cheeks, hair, back.

"What do we do?" he whispered finally, pressing his face in Daniel's hair. His arms tightened around his shoulders. "God, what can we do?"

Daniel buried his face in the crook of his neck, wishing he could take comfort in his embrace. "Give me a week," he whispered, heart aching. It was a gamble, he knew. In a week John could well be another person. If They continued to be suspicious of his presence They could well choose to move him into an experiment ahead of schedule.... "Keep going like -- you never met me. A week and I can -- discover if they are watching me. Allay any suspicions. Please...."

John drew a trembling breath, and nodded. His fingers tightened in Daniel's hair, trembling. "I saw how they were with you," he whispered. "I'm so sorry I can't protect you from that. God, Daniel... if there's anything I can do...."

Daniel lifted his head to kiss him, willing himself to calm. He hadn't intended to tarry, but now that he had made it here, he rationalized, there wasn't much risk in remaining a little longer. "Help me forget," he whispered. "Before I have to -- go. For just a little while. Please...."

John nodded, and took him to bed, tugging his clothes away with trembling fingers between kisses that grew increasingly more desperate. And though his touch began as tender and worshipful as he'd always been, it couldn't quench the ache in Daniel's heart. His reached back to grab John's hip as he curled up against his back, pulling him close, crying out at the rush of sensation as John filled him with insistent thrusts. "More," he gasped twisting back as much as he could, lips searching for John's kisses. "Harder. God, please...!"

John gave a soft, helpless cry against his mouth as his hips stuttered up into him, grinding against his ass. He ran his hands down his chest and over his hips, trembling. "Don't wanna hurt you...."

"You won't. You won't. God...." He cried out breathlessly as John started to move harder, pulling one knee up to brace himself against the bed. John pressed breathless kisses over his neck, sealing his mouth on the crook. Daniel whimpered, craving more, reaching back to tangle his fingers in his curls. "Harder," he gasped again, crying out at the rush of sensation as John's hips bucked against his. "Mark me. Your teeth - please - "

John gave another helpless buck, moaning against his skin, biting down at the crook of his neck. The tight pressure-pain against the stiff roll of muscle was intense, exquisite, vivid in a way that made him gasp and squirm back onto John's cock. He caught John's hand with his free one as he took Daniel in hand, pulling it away from his cock and back around his waist. He'd come too fast that way. "Just fuck me. Harder. Please...."

"Oh fuck...." John pressed another wet kiss to his shoulder, then pulled away, pushing Daniel's knee up higher and straddling his other thigh as he slid back into him. He pressed close, claiming Daniel's mouth in a trembling kiss as he started to use him with hard snaps of his hips, fucking him deep and intense and perfect.

It was what he needed to make his mind stop working, to drive his thoughts away from the very real possibility that he might never have John like this again. The pleasure that John's thrusts pushed through him became everything, until all he could do was cry his pleasure against John's lips, gasping for breath as sensation built. John echoed his cries with desperate, needy groans as his hips smacked against his ass, grabbing one of Daniel's hands and clenching it tightly, pressing it into the bed. He let himself go completely to Daniel's cries, using him hard and rough, shuddering as he dropped his mouth to Daniel's shoulder again, crying out and biting down again at his flesh.

"God -!" The intensity was too much, too perfect, and everything broke free. He clenched down tighter around John's cock as the bliss of orgasm overwhelmed him, as John jerked up roughly and joined him, spilling hot and slick inside him.

John pressed trembling kisses to his neck, his face, holding him tightly, breath hitched against his skin. "Tell me I'll see you again," he whispered, urgent and desperate. "Tell me this isn't all there is for us. God, love, please...."

'I'll see you again," Daniel gasped, love and vulnerability and helplessness burning tight in his throat, spilling over into tears. "I promise. I promise."

He couldn't bear for it to be a lie, he thought, as the words left his lips. He had to see him again, see John like this, not someone else. He'd have to find a way.

~~~


	8. Act 4 - Daniel - part 1

For five days, for nine midnights, Daniel's life became a perfectly controlled picture of normalcy. He moved between home and the underneath on precise schedule, completing his work orders with focused exactness. During his downtime, he left home to pick up his dry cleaning, to buy food from carefully chosen places that he frequented. He settled in his library and read for precisely one hour. He slept for eight. He spent his time in the Underneath preparing the memory templates with exactness and precision, remarking on them to the unspeaking Strangers who attended him as meaninglessly as he always did. It reminded him unpleasantly of the time long ago when he had set out to prove to them that he could be trusted enough to maintain his own schedule, to earn his time off. Still he maintained it with carefully cultivated calm.

Inside he was a barely contained turmoil of dread and terror.

Each time he went out with them he found himself holding his breath any time they approached the hospital or the area of John's home. Each time the clocks started ticking again and John was still _John_ it was all he could do not to collapse in relief. He had to force himself not to spend more time than usual looking through the subject files that were given to him for the night's tuning. He'd never made much of a habit of reading them in the past, and in any case even if John's had appeared in the pile what could he do? Refuse to make the template? Hide the file? Once a subject was pulled for an experiment their fate was sealed.

And yet... if John's file was never pulled.... If John's file _couldn't_ be pulled....

Just the thought of it made him tremble, though he wasn't certain if it was from fear or excitement. The thought that there might be a solution, might possibly be something he could do.... But no. He'd been in Their records room exactly once, and never unaccompanied. If they were to catch him there now, alone, then all of his careful charade of normalcy would be for naught. They would at the very least investigate him, possibly even put him back under constant observation. It would be weeks, months before it would be safe to return to John, and those were months that this identity did not have. It was too risky.

Over and over he pushed the thought firmly from his mind. Then, as he was preparing the memory templates for the next two nights' tuning, a plan began to build itself in his mind. An excuse, based on the scenario that he was creating, to possibly visit the records room.

It was easy to conceptualize. A legitimate explanation to disobey them and be there. Too easy.

But it was flimsy. He pushed it away. He'd never acted before to help or influence the experiments, he'd never tried to make a recommendation as to which subjects they should use for what roles. Why should he, when his very participation in the experiments made him loathe himself?

It was too out of character. Too much of a risk. If he was caught he would lose everything.

But if he wasn't caught... or if he was caught and could convince them of his story... if he could successfully remove John from involvement in the experiment planning....

_He could be John for always._

How could he give up that chance?

The clock ticked closer to midnight. Unconsciously, he'd already arranged his workflow to accommodate his plan. Only two hours of prep time left. One hour.

The Stranger who assisted him brought him the last few vials he needed for his last imprint design, then left for the nightly convergence, to prepare for the Tuning. Daniel closed his eyes, banking down the sharp intensity of panic. He'd have fifteen minutes before they came for him.

_You can do this. You **must** to do this. Go. Go now._

Swallowing hard, he pulled a measured breath, willing his pulse to slow. Then he gathered the pile of files he'd been working from that day and started from the room as quickly as his aching back would allow.

The records room was close, thank god, and empty, with the Strangers gathering for the Tuning. Stacks of drawers made of black, twisting metal rose from floor to ceiling around the edge of the open shaft. Would he even be able to reach what he needed? He clamped his pile of files under one arm and started to pull open drawers at random, pulling out random clumps and leaving them on top of the open drawers, shuffled and misordered. He made his way down the alphabet as quickly as he dared. _H. I . J. Joan. Jocelyn. Joel._

He felt a whoosh of air on the back of his neck and glanced behind him to see one dark-robed Stranger making his way down towards the convergence. Panic washed through him. In seconds They'd all know that Daniel was out of place. He fought down the instinct to run, to hide. He still had a few minutes. Failure was not an option.

Straining to reach higher, he pulled open the next drawer, blindly grabbing the first bunch of files with trembling hands. _Johanna. John. John!_

With barely a glance at the familiar face in the subject profile, he pushed John's file into the middle of the pile under his arm. Then he shoved the rest back in the high drawer and closed it, moving quickly to the next. There was one more piece that he needed if he had a hope of selling his cover, one last file....

 _Leon. Lester. Lewis._ God, where was she? She had to be in here, she.... _Lilian._ Daniel's trembling fingers closed around the file.

"Doctor."

"Mr -- Book." Daniel barely had time to straighten to face him before a blast of power knocked him tumbling, back across the openness of the shaft. He clamped down frantically on the files under his arm and the new one in his hand, struggling to keep hold of them as he slammed painfully into the bank of drawers on the other side. If he dropped them, if he lost John's precious file....

"You are not permitted here. Explain yourself."

Sheets of paper fluttered through the air around him, disturbed by Mr. Book's Tuning, falling down into the shaft. Through the pain of his landing Daniel felt a spark of hope. The more things were disturbed the less likely they'd discover his true goal....

Daniel fought to breathe through the pain, slowly getting to his feet, pushing his glasses back into place to peer across the shaft at them. "Forgive me. It is not my place -- to question you or to -- give advice. But for the Williams experiment I thought -- perhaps it might be -- prudent, a better use of resources, if you -- will. The Williams' primary is an -- attempted suicide. If we use a subject who -- already has -- self harm scars...." Trembling, he extended Lilian's file out towards him.

Mr. Book glanced to the form behind him - the Stranger who'd spotted him, Daniel recognized - who answered him with their strange, clattering language. Book turned his attention back to Daniel. "You have looked through many of these drawers for just one file."

Daniel lowered his head, swallowing hard. "I'm sorry, I -- do not have your powers -- of recollection. I am only human -- after all. I could not remember -- her name. Forgive me, Mr. Book. I merely hoped to -- impress you. To repay you for -- the trust you have put -- in me. I will help put things to rights, of course, I - "

"You will not." With a twist of energy, Lilian's file was snatched from his fingers. Mr. Book handed it to the one beside him without a glance. "We appreciate your attempts to contribute, Doctor, but do not forget your place."

"Of course, of course. It was most foolish of me -- to assume I might -- possibly know better than you, I - "

"Quite foolish. Return to your work, now. You will not enter this room again. Complete the imprints as we have instructed. If the Tuning is delayed we will be very displeased." 

"Yes - right away, Mr. Book." Daniel didn't need instruction to flee from the room as quickly as possible, frantic and gasping for breath by the time he returned to his workshop.

Only a five minutes before the Tuning. His bag was already open, the trays for his syringes laid out on his worktable with the night's imprints strapped in, apart for the last. He looked around quickly to make sure he was alone. Then he grabbed one of the empty syringes and pulled out the lining of his bag, using the rough edge of one of the metal fins to hook on the stitching of the seam and break the thread.

His hands shook as he ripped the seam apart, nearly tearing the fabric itself in haste. Finally the opening was large enough. He slipped John's file under the lining, flush against the flat outside wall of the bag. Then he smoothed the lining back into place and started to pile the trays into his bag, praying that it would be secure enough not to draw attention if they thought to search him.

The clang of the bells signalling the Convergence reverberated through the shaft, and Daniel jumped out of his skin.

The last imprint. He pushed his glasses up into his hair to peer into the scope, fingers spinning the knobs of his machine frantically, putting together the pieces. The base ego of the subject, compounded with the circumstances that would make her who they wanted her to be - a background of mental instability, an unhappy childhood, an absent parent. Stress in the workplace, a recent estrangement from a long time friend, the loss of a child - 

"Doctor, it is time."

"It's complete," he gasped quickly, hitting the release to load his last syringe. He straightened, pulling his glasses back into place and striding along the walkway, pushing past Mr. Hand boldly to claim his coat and hat from where they hung on the wall.

He turned to see Mr. Hand approach the worktable with his bag on it, and his heart caught in his throat. He opened his mouth to protest, to think of some way to distract him, but the words wouldn't come. But Mr. Hand merely secured the last syringe into place, loading the tray into his bag and snapping it closed before extending it towards Daniel. "Hurry, Doctor."

"Of course." He tried not to snatch it from his hand, clutching it tightly with clammy fingers as he followed him onto the lift that would take them to the surface.

He fought to calm himself, praying they would take his breathlessness as only a result of his encounter with Mr. Book. Once on the surface it was easier, falling into the familiar routine of the Tuning, following the Strangers as they manipulated the night's new subjects. His panic started to subside. He wouldn't find John at the other end of a new imprint tonight.

Even when they approached the hospital to set the final experiment he didn't feel worried. There was one injection in his bag to augment one of the doctors with information on their new experiment's subject. Just to support the experiment, not to change anything. And in any case, he certainly had no plans to make that doctor John.

Only a few more imprints, he thought as he stepped through the doors to the Emergency Room reception. The Strangers were already ahead of him, preparing the last subjects. He would imprint them, then take his bag with its secret cargo home. Hide John's file away. Perhaps, if he was daring enough, he would even destroy it.

"Daniel?"

 _John._ Daniel's heart froze, and he whirled to find John at the other end of the hall. John, in a panic, rushing towards him. John, _awake during the Tuning._

A stray?

"Oh god, Daniel, you have to help me! Everyone's unconscious, I can't wake them up, I can't - "

"Keep -- your voice -- down!" Daniel pushed him back towards the closest door and inside. Miraculously they'd stepped into the hospital security office, the guard on duty slumped onto the console before a the bank of monitors. Daniel swept his gaze over them quickly, searching for the familiar dark silhouettes. "You have to get down," he whispered, frantic. "Pretend to be asleep until -- everyone else wakes up. Please, John, They can't see that you're -- awake!"

"They..." John paled, sudden understanding in his eyes. "... you're here for work."

"Yes. Yes, and my employers. Now please - "

Slowly John sank to his knees, but grabbed hold of Daniel's wrist. "Tell me what's going on."

"I can't. I'm sorry. I have to get, back, I - "

"I'm not doing anything until you tell me what's going on!" John whispered fiercely. "Who do you work for? Why is the entire hospital asleep except for you and me? Answer me!"

Daniel's eyes flicked to the monitors with a surge of panic. Hand and his posse had just left one of the hospital rooms. They'd be looking for him. If they found him here with John....

He wrenched his wrist from John's grasp, fumbling with the clasp on his bag. "Lay back, hurry! I'll tell you tonight. After work. I promise, I'll meet you, just say where. I'll tell you everything. Please lay back!"

John hesitated, then gave a terse nod, settling back on the floor. "That bar by the Grand Hotel where we met that night." His eyes widened as Daniel pulled a syringe from his bag. "What the hell is that?"

"I won't hurt you," Daniel said quickly as the device whirred into life. He wouldn't inject him, he could never, but he had to have a reason to be here - "Listen to me. Jennifer Williams is in room 152. You're her physician, she tried to slit her wrists tonight, you - "

"I'm not doing anything without - " John's hand darted out suddenly, trying to grab for the syringe. In panic Daniel tried to twist away, but the tip of the syringe caught John's palm, the impact causing the plunger to depress and inject the entirety of the physician imprint into his flesh.

John sucked a gasp, eyes watering in pain. "What the fuck was that?"

"Nothing, nothing I - " Daniel looked at the monitors in panic to see Mr. Hand turn into the main hallway. Close, too close. "Please lay back," he begged. "I'll explain everything later. I swear, John. My employers can't -- see you awake, they can't - "

"You can't expect me to just - "

"They'll kill you! Please!"

For a split second John held his gaze. Then his expression relaxed into sorrow and sympathy, and he lay back on the floor, closing his eyes.

Heart pounding, Daniel kneeled over him, just piercing his forehead with the empty syringe - and none too soon. As he was pulling it away the door behind him opened.

"You are tardy, Doctor."

"Yes, of course. Please forgive me." Daniel quickly got to his feet. "I'm finished here. I only have -- the last two subjects left."

"We advise you to hurry." Mr Hand's eyes narrowed as he looked past him. "That subject...."

"Yes?"

He stepped forward, leaning down towards John, and for a moment Daniel's heart stopped. Then Mr. Hand pressed a fingertip to his forehead, wiping away the drop of blood that welled from where Daniel had pierced his skin. "He is bleeding, doctor. You must take more care." 

"Yes, of course. Forgive me. Shall we -- finish?"

"Finish quickly," Mr. Hand said, frowning as they left the room. "You have ten minutes."

Daniel nodded, pulling the door closed behind him. He hurried down the hall, forcing himself not to look back. He had to hope that John would continue to feign sleep, hope that Mr. Hand wouldn't think to examine him.

He had to finish the night's Tuning. Then he could figure out what the hell he was going to tell John.

Go home, hide the file. Figure out what on earth to tell John. His thoughts were so focused as he made his way to the bar an hour later that he didn't realize the significance of where he was going until he passed the entrance to the Grand Hotel.

Daniel stopped short, remembering clearly the night that they'd been here. The night they'd made love here, when he'd left without saying goodbye. 

_That bar by the Grand Hotel where we met that night,_ John had said.

Except John had never met him there. _Not in this identity._

~~~


	9. Daniel - part 2

At first, when Daniel stepped into the bar, he was certain he must have been mistaken. How could John remember a place they'd been in a memory that had been completely erased? Then he caught sight of a familiar head of dark curls half-hidden in one of the back booths.

As he reached the booth, John looked up at him with a small, sad smile. He had two glasses of ice in front of him and a bottle of whiskey that was half empty - Daniel rather hoped it hadn't been full to begin with. 

John slid further into the booth, patting the empty bench beside him, then started to unscrew the lid of the bottle. "I've had a couple," he said, not looking at Daniel as he refilled his own glass, then paused over Daniel's. "Sorry, it's a bit melted."

"I don't mind." Daniel slid into the booth next to him, encouraged when John moved his hand to cover his, twining their fingers together. At least he'd forgiven him that much. Would he continue to feel the same way? Daniel picked up his glass and took a large sip, wishing the alcohol could calm his nerves. "Is your hand -- all right?"

"You tell me." John's lips twisted unhappily, and he took another long drink. "It's a bit swollen, sore." He raised his eyes to Daniel. "What was it?"

Daniel drew a soft breath. He'd have to believe what he was saying himself, if he wanted John to believe him. It was the closest version of the truth he could give him. "Are you familiar with a substance -- called Pentothal?"

John's eyebrows rose with alarm. "You injected me with truth serum?"

"No, no. There is no name for it. Not yet. The effect is the same, but only if it is -- injected directly into -- the brain. It will break down -- harmlessly in your tissue." Hopefully.

John let out a long breath, shaking his head, slightly incredulous. "That woman you told me about... she wasn't in the hospital before midnight. But her records say she'd been there for hours. She _remembers_ being there for hours. Her husband does, too. That's why you were there, wasn't it? Putting her there?"

Daniel nodded, draining his drink miserably. "The people I -- work for. I cannot tell you -- what it is that they do. They are a shadow branch -- of the government. They are more -- powerful -- than you can imagine, John. You must promise me that -- if this happens again -- you will sleep with the others. Please. If they knew that you -- were immune...."

"It would end badly. I believe you." John frowned, refilling both their glasses, still not quite looking at Daniel. "Just... tell me one thing. This work that they make you do... do they make you hurt people?"

"Never." Daniel shuddered at the thought, drinking more. "The memories that woman has, and her husband. I gave them -- to them. That is what that substance -- does. Interrupts short term memory. Leaves them open to -- hypnotic suggestion, you could say. When my employers -- place them back into -- society, I ensure that they do not -- remember what was done to them."

"Every day at noon and midnight."

"Yes."

"Are they dangerous, these people?"

Daniel shook his head. "They are no different -- than everyone else. I promise."

"But that's why you aren't allowed to be close to anyone. Because of what you know."

Daniel closed his eyes for a moment, swallowing down the well of regret. "... yes."

John sighed, fingers tracing the condensation on the side of his glass. "That man who was with you tonight... he's the same one that hurt you before, isn't he?"

Daniel lowered his head, nodding. It was always Hand.

"I'm sorry, then." John turned closer him, voice softer. "That I put you in harm's way. I should have listened to you from the start."

Daniel shook his head, giving a soft, helpless laugh. "Please, John. None of this is -- your fault. I alone knew the risks -- and the consequences. I chose to -- love you anyway. I'm sorry that I have not -- been more fair to you."

John nodded, lips pressing together tightly, silent for a long moment. "Daniel, you need to know... these past few days while we've been separated... I've tried to tell myself that I shouldn't do this anymore." John's lips twisted as he looked down at their joined hands. "That if I was going to lose you anyway I should stop this now, before I get any farther in over my head. Protect myself. Leave."

 _Leave_. Of course. What reason did he have to stay? Daniel felt his throat clench shut. His heart screamed at him to argue, to beg John to reconsider. But how was it fair? "If that's how you feel...." he managed to whisper.

John's fingers tightened on his, trembling, and he gave a soft, hard laugh. "I can't," he whispered back, looking up at him. "I know I should, but I - the thought of leaving you, the thought of missing a single moment with you.... God help me, I can't do it. I need you. I was so afraid that you wouldn't come tonight, that they'd keep you from me. The thought that the last thing I'd said to you was in anger, I - Daniel, I - please don't leave me tonight, I can't - "

Before Daniel could think, he'd leaned close, pressing a soft, trembling kiss to John's lips. "I won't," he whispered, heart aching. Was it wise, when his actions in the Underneath could have aroused their suspicions? But he was here now.... "I don't want to -- leave you either."

"Thank god." John leaned into return the kiss, drawing a shivering breath against his lips. "We can go back to the Grand. I checked in under a fake name. They won't look for you there, will they?"

Would they find him, if they hadn't followed him already? "I'm sorry," Daniel managed to murmur. "I'm not sure that I -- am up for sex tonight."

John shook his head, pressing a kiss to his temple. "You think that matters to me? Just want you here, sweetheart. Just want you in my arms."

Daniel closed his eyes, leaning into the gentle touch despite himself. He gave a slight nod. "I think it will -- be safe."

"Thank god." John slid back, relief plain on features. He took Daniel from the bar, hand warm on the small of his back, and Daniel tried very hard not to think about the last time they'd been here. He'd hidden John's file. The worst part was over.

Wasn't it?

~~~

 

It felt good, to be back in John's arms again, when he'd been so afraid that he'd never feel them again. Better than good. John was adoring and tender, cuddling him close in bed after they'd undressed. Daniel cuddled up against his side, resting his head on his chest, the even rhythm of John's heartbeat faint and reassuring.

John's fingers smoothed through his hair, idle and gentle, trailing patterns down the back of his neck. Daniel closed his eyes, drinking in the slow caresses, letting them lull his tired body towards sleep.

"...Daniel? Can I ask you something?" When John spoke it took him a moment to register.

"Mmm?"

He was silent for a long moment. "These people you work for... could I - would they ever consider...."

Daniel felt himself tense automatically at the mention of Them. "John, please believe me. There is nothing -- you can do."

"Even if I went to work with you?"

The idea should have frightened him, terrified him. Logically he knew it could never be. But somehow just the thought of it - the thought that John would _offer_ such a thing - made his heart clench tight, aching with adoration. He couldn't speak around the knot in his throat, couldn't do anything but lift his head to press a hard, trembling kiss to John's mouth.

"Is that a yes?" John whispered finally.

A soft, sobbed laugh escaped Daniel's throat. "I would not wish -- my position on anyone. Let alone someone I -- love so dearly."

"But if I wanted to - "

"Even then it would not -- be possible. If they discovered that you knew -- they would...." Erase him, at the very least. And how was ego death different than actual death as far as John was concerned? "They would kill you. Please, John. Promise me. If something were to -- happen to you, I - "

"I promise. I promise. Shh, darling..." John's fingers smoothed gentle down his back as he kissed him. "I promise. I just wish there was something I could do."

"I know. And I love you -- so very much for it. More than I -- can say."

John sighed softly, but smiled against his mouth. "And it's still enough? All this trouble?"

"More than. You are everything -- to me." Daniel kissed him longer, stroking fingers up into his hair. Could he really let himself believe that stealing the file would keep them together? Could he allow himself that hope? More importantly, could he allow John that hope?

Even if it was false hope, he realized, John would never know the difference. He drew back, searching his eyes. "John, I - there's precautions I've taken -- during our time apart. If we continue to be discrete... then perhaps we -- may not need to be parted...."

John's fingers tightened on his back, arching up to kiss him, trembling. "My love," he murmured, low and husky. "My brave, beautiful love."

How could he be so wonderful, so caring? It was hard not to feel a pulse of desire. Daniel's lips parted to his with a soft hum, suddenly craving more. "There is perhaps -- one thing you can do -- for me...."

"Anything, darling."

Daniel drew back to look down on him, suddenly feeling a delightful shyness. "I would very much like it -- if you would tear -- the rest of my clothes off. And make love to me."

John gave a low, appreciative hum, arching up to kiss him as one hand slid down to cup both Daniel's ass cheeks. "You sure, darling?"

Daniel nodded, wrapping one thigh over his body, wriggling closer to press his half-hard cock against John's hip. "Please. I want to think of -- nothing but you, John."

John slid both hands down the back of his shorts, groaning low as his fingers pressed in to squeeze at his flesh. "Could never deny you anything, darling," he breathed between increasingly hungry kisses. "Especially not this....."

Daniel whimpered, squirming against him, tugging John's shorts down enough to free him. He wrapped his fingers around the shaft of his cock, feeling him harden under his touch, and when John's fingers teased against his ass he already felt half desperate with desire. "Lube," he gasped, and John groaned, rocking up into his touch as he groped in the bedside table with one hand.

Daniel wriggled out of his shorts, moving to straddle John's hips. He took the lube from John before he could uncap it, drizzling it over his cock instead, coating him with slick fingers. "Need this so badly," he breathed, and John rubbed his hands up his thighs, tugging him closer, eyes dark as he looked up at him.

"You sure you're good, love? I - "

Daniel leaned down to cut him off with a kiss. Then he wrapped one hand around the base of John's cock to hold him in place as he started to grind down onto him.

"Jesus, Daniel...." John's fingers dug into his hips, crying out against his mouth as the head of his cock breached him. His hips gave a helpless little buck, the sensation of it so blissfully intense that all Daniel could do was echo his cry and rock down harder.

"So good," he gasped, bracing his hands on John's shoulders to sit up. He let his eyes fall closed for a moment, gasping at the pleasure of grinding down onto him, pushing him deep. The sensation of being filled, the knowledge of John's pleasure, the greater rush of sensation as their bodies came together just right....

 

"God, you're so beautiful," John breathed, hips stuttering up harder. He moved one hand to cover Daniel's cock, encouraging it to slide along his own stomach as Daniel moved on him. "My perfect love...."

He was far from that, but in the moment Daniel was content not to argue. He leaned down to kiss him again. "I love you so much," he breathed, rocking down harder, craving more sensation and crying out as John shifted under him, bracing his feet on the bed to drive up into him. "Oh god yes... please fuck me....!"

"Mmm, god yes... anytime you want, love, however you want... god, nothing feels like being with you....!" His words fell away to gasps, and all Daniel could do was join him, rocking down to meet the hard snap of his hips and crying out at the rush of sensation. It was perfect, stealing the breath from John's lips and giving it back with his cries, and for those blessed moments he forgot about the Strangers and the uncertain future for the wonderful man under him and the exquisite pleasure he inflicted.

Even as he spilled on John's stomach he forced himself to keep moving, not wanting it to end. He heard John give a desperate, throaty groan, grabbing his hips again. His hips jerked up into him roughly, and pleasure sparked black behind Daniel's eyes as he felt his lover spill inside him, hot and slick and perfect.

He'd set the alarm early, he told himself as soon as he could think. Wake John up with his mouth on his cock until he was hard enough to do this again. He wanted to feel the press of John's fingers on his skin as he worked, crave him until they saw each other again.

"You're so good -- to me," he whispered as he curled up against him.

John gave a low hum, tangling his fingers in his hair. "It's a blessing to be able to be," he murmured, and Daniel let himself believe it as he drifted off to sleep.

~~~


	10. Act 4 - Daniel - Part 3

Meeting at the hotel again the next night was a decision that helped calm Daniel's nerves somewhat. Less telling, in any case, then his continual trips to John's apartment.

When he returned to the room after the Tuning, he felt a brief shock of terror to find the room empty. There was a note on the bedside table in John's neat hand, however, with a red business card with the name of the hotel's high class restaurant.

_My Dearest Love,_  
_Please meet me in the restaurant. Bring them this card._  
_Can't wait to see you,_  
_\- John_

He folded the note and tucked it into his breast pocket with the card, hurrying back to the elevator. John would be there, there'd be no reason for him not to be. Daniel certainly hadn't re-imprinted him during the Tuning, and he would have heard if there'd been a stray....

The Maitre'd smiled at him when he handed her the card, which reassured him someone. "Follow me, sir." She took him through the back of the restaurant, to a set of heavy, paneled wood doors. Inside was a private dining room with a long table. "Your waiter will be with you shortly.

John stood from one of the easy chairs by the fire at the back, smiling. "You got my note." He started towards him, looking suddenly concerned. "Are you alright?"

Daniel nodded, curling into him wordlessly, reassured by the warm solidity of John's arms as they wrapped around him gently. John pressed a kiss to his hair, breath a soft sigh. "My sweet darling... wish I could take the fear from your eyes...."

"I'm sorry," Daniel murmured, closing his eyes. "I know it's silly. I just... when you weren't -- in the room...."

"It's not silly. I'm sorry to have worried you." John's fingers smoothed over his hair. "We can go back to the room if you'd like... but if you're alright with staying here, the waiter is the brother of one of my nurses. We can trust their discretion here...."

He seemed so hopeful that Daniel forced himself to bank down his worry. How was this any different from the bars and cafes they'd met in before? And John had obviously put in a lot of effort to set this up. He gave his lover a smile as he drew back, arching up to press a soft kiss to his mouth. "Of course. This is lovely, John. Too much. You didn't -- have to go to any trouble...."

John shook his head, reaching up to stroke his cheek. He was as adoring as ever, but his smile seemed melancholy. "No trouble," he said softly. "I've really wanted to bring you here for a while. Make beautiful memories while we can."

His words were so sweetly earnest, so hopeful. Daniel swallowed hard at the lump in his throat, arching up to kiss him again. "I love you," he whispered, and as John's arms tightened around him he tried to engrave the moment to memory - the fine wool of his suit and the scent of his cologne. The warmth of his body, the way his lips moved against his, sweet and tantalizing.

His love.

 _Don't think about being without him_ , he told himself sternly. _Just enjoy this. Love him as hard and as deeply as you can for as long as you can._

By the time they'd ordered and Daniel had finished a very nice glass of wine, he'd relaxed into the evening, into the easiness of John's company and conversation. The food was very nice, and John's company was even nicer. MoIt was more than just his company, too. It went unsaid that John must have forgiven him, or at least accepted everything that he'd told him. Accepted, and still loved. It made Daniel feel a near overwhelming adoration for him, and by the time they'd finished eating he very much wanted nothing more than to show John his appreciation.

He finished his second glass of wine, reaching to slip his hand into John's, rubbing his thumb against the base of his palm. "This was truly -- lovely, John. Shall we to bed?"

"Soon," John replied, still smiling. "They have a beautiful atrium here. I thought we could take a walk through?"

The atrium was warm and moist the air scented from the greenery in a way Daniel rarely encountered elsewhere in the city. He felt his lungs relax, open up a little more. It was beautiful. The paths among the greenery were dimly lit in the evening, golden light trickling onto the path from the warm orbs that lined it, and when John wrapped an arm around his waist Daniel leaned into him with no self consciousness.

They stopped for a time by the atrium's small fountain, watching the water fall, soft and musical.

"Thank you for this," Daniel murmured, closing his eyes briefly as John nuzzled his hair. "I feel almost -- ordinary, being with you like this."

"You're extraordinary," John replied, lips brushing his temple. "But I know what you mean. I'm glad of it."

Daniel smiled, lifting his head to steal a soft kiss, then cuddling into his chest. "... wish I had a coin to make a wish."

John's fingers stroked gentle on his back. "What would you wish for?"

"This. Forever. What could I want more?"

John gave a soft hum in agreement. "I have one," he said after a moment. "Or rather... maybe something better. Would you like it?"

Daniel looked up at him in confusion as he pulled back, only to have John take his hand, lifting it to his lips to press a kiss to his knuckles.

"I do want this forever," John murmured, lowering his eyes momentarily. "Barring that, I... I want to remember this forever. There's been something I started thinking about after the night I followed you, and I... I'd really like.... I hope it's alright if I....." He stopped with a soft sigh, flustered.

Daniel squeezed his hand gently. "Whatever it is, love...."

John leaned in to press a soft kiss to his mouth, then just looked at him for a long moment, eyes moving over his face. Then he took his other hand from his pocket, joining their clasped hands, and Daniel felt something cool and hard pushed on to encircle his third finger.

For a moment Daniel couldn't speak, could barely breathe, staring at John in astonishment. John smiled, soft and warm, stroking one arm securely around his waist and leaning in to nuzzle his ear. "I bought it the night after we were parted. I know you can't wear it openly, I have a chain for you, too. Just... please tell me you'll keep it. I want you to have it. Something of me."

"Always," Daniel whispered, because it was all he could manage. He pressed a trembling kiss to John's jaw, overwhelmed. "Forever. I promise."

"My darling," John whispered, pulling back to kiss him, joy achingly sweet in his eyes. "Thank you."

How could he ever forget this joy, this love? Losing John would break his heart, but he'd always been prepared for that. But despite the pain, he'll still have memories of this... this little bit of light in a world of darkness. He'd keep that with him forever. It was an easy promise to make. It was the one thing he could truly do for John.

He looked at the ring, later as they lay together in bed, his heart warm and passions sated. The gold band was set with a brilliant square cut diamond, flanked by smaller cut stones a shade darker gold than the band. It was perhaps rather more extravagant than anything he'd ever chose to wear himself, but there was an elegant beauty to it. He could imagine John agonizing over the right design.

"Do you like it?" John murmured, fingers trailing through his hair. "We can exchange it, if you like, or get it sized...."

"It's perfect," Daniel replied, lifting his head to kiss him, holding him close.

Then, as he was drifting off to sleep, a thought crossed his mind.

Perhaps there was one more thing he could do for John.

~~~

He was afforded a short break after the night's tuning, before reporting to begin work on the memory templates. Time to find food, to change and freshen up. He hurried through it, pulling on a fresh suit, the precious ring a warm, reassuring weight against his chest as it hung on its chain under his clothes.

It was easy enough to discern where John would have purchased it. There were only a few high-end jewelry shops in the city at the moment that actually opened, the remainder were just for show, just darkened storefronts in a line of the same. But there was one in the area that he was fairly certain had a reputation for being friendly to alternative lifestyles, so that was where he made tracks.

"I'm looking for a men's ring," he told the blonde shopkeeper, pulling the chain from under his shirt. "One like this. I believe it may have been -- recently purchased at your shop?"

The woman leaned forward, pursing plump red lips. "Oh yeah, I remember. Hard to forget a man that pretty. You're lucky." He winked at Daniel. "Come on. I have a few more in a similar design."

His was the nicest, Daniel decided immediately, frowning as he looked over the collection. The other accent stones were brightly coloured, and while undoubtedly expensive also undoubtedly gaudy. Nothing that spoke of John's classic beauty or the warmth and tenderness in his eyes whenever he looked at Daniel. He found himself frowning. "Do you perhaps have -- something less...." he held back the insult. "Perhaps something -- in a light green?"

"I have some in white gold?" The shopkeeper slipped the tray back under the counter, then pulled out another one. As soon as they hit the light Daniel felt his heart skip a beat. "That one. The green." The accent stones were perfect in white gold when they would have been overwhelmed by yellow - a soft, light green, brilliantly clear and nearly as dazzling as the diamond they surrounded. "I would like -- to purchase that. Please."

"Would you like a box for that?"

A box would be too obvious to carry. "Just a small -- jewelry bag. If you could."

He imagined he could feel the weight of the ring against his chest as he worked, in his breast pocket, over his heart. He could certainly feel his own, the gold chain shifting against his skin, the metal of the ring warm and heavy. The thought of giving John the ring made him happy in a silly, saccharine way, but he couldn't help thinking on it. Imagining his smile, the joy in his eyes.

But how to give it to him? Part of him badly wanted to take John back to that small plaza by the river where John had first kissed him, where they'd whispered words of love in each other's arms. But it was too open, too exposed. Perhaps the hotel atrium again? He considered each option in great detail. It was a nice distraction from the reality of the memory templates he was creating, in any case - another distasteful serial killer scenario.

He still hadn't made up his mind when he met John that night. John pulled him into a warm kiss, then pulled back, a curious smile on his lips. "You seem... happy about something?"

"I...." Daniel hesitated, then glanced down. "I suppose I - hope so. I... was hoping you would do something -- for me."

John's fingers, resting at his side, caressed his hip. "Anything, sweetheart."

He tugged the small velvet bag from his breast pocket, trying to keep his fingers from trembling as he picked open the knot on the silken cord. He swallowed, mouth suddenly dry. "I apologize for not -- choosing a more romantic setting. But I wanted to speak -- openly. I... I was hoping you might -- wear this for me...."

He pulled the ring from the bag, looking up to find John's eyes wide and bright. "Of course I will," he whispered, offering his hand, and as Daniel took it he could feel it tremble in his grasp.

He slipped the ring onto John's third fingers, satisfied at the fit, then pressed a trembling kiss to the backs of his fingers. "I wish that I could -- promise you forever. I would give anything. But I can -- promise this, John." he said softly, looking up into John's eyes again. "I love you. I will always -- love you. No matter what. So if we are separated, I will -- find you again. No matter what it takes. I will -- come back to you. I swear to you."

John's eyes grew brighter as he spoke, until he pulled Daniel close, tight, tighter, lips trembling as they claimed a desperate kiss. "My love," he whispered, soft and desperate. "I'll wait for you. I'll wear it always."

 _You won't even know,_ Daniel thought. If he was found out the precious ring would be tuned away into nothing, erased just like John's memories of him would be. But it was worth it, to see the aching adoration in John's eyes. To make him happy.

And yet.... He couldn't deny any longer that there was a distinct abnormality in John, in the way he reacted to him. In subconscious memories that he shouldn't have, shouldn't react to. A deficiency in Their injections that he could never report to Them. Part of John would remember, he had to. Just like Daniel had to keep him safe. To make sure that no matter the identity, the Strangers would never find out that he was different.

"I'll find you," he whispered again, tangling his fingers in John's hair, losing himself in the warmth of his embrace. "I'll protect you."

~~~

"Doctor."

For a brief moment while Daniel's mind adjusted to wakefulness, he thought the familiar voice a nightmare. He'd had it often enough. Then he raised his head from John's chest to see the familiar triad of black-swathed Strangers at the foot of the bed, and for a drawn out moment of terrible realization his heart stopped beating.

Then adrenaline kicked in. "Mr -- Hand. Am I late? Let me get -- my things. I apologize that you were forced -- to seek me out -- like this. But humans have needs, you know." He forced himself not to look at John as he spoke, stepping out of bed to grab his pants from the floor and pulling them on as he continued the rationalizations he'd practiced in his mind all too often. "This is only a -- one night stand. He is a spare, there is -- no impact on your work. I made certain. Put him to sleep now. He will not -- remember you." He turned as he reached back to grab the chain with his ring off the nightstand, blocking view of it with his body, stuffing it in his pocket and out of sight.

Hand's eyes narrowed, glittering over a cold smile. "We think he is more than this to you, Doctor. Yes?" He stalked closer to Daniel, and Daniel forced himself to keep moving, keep dressing like he wasn't nearly frozen with terror, doing up the buttons on his shirt as Hand reached him. "Now... _where is his file?_ "

 _Oh shit._ "His -- file? I'm afraid I do not -- know what you are talking about - "

He could see John out of the corner of his eye, sitting up, leaning closer. "My... file?"

"You do know what we speak of, Doctor. No more lies."

Daniel gasped for breath, feeling light headed. "Only you -- have access to those, I couldn't -- "

Hand's arms shot out to grab him by the front of his shirt, yanking him forward so quickly that Daniel almost stumbled, red hot pain spiking up his back. "Don't lie! You left your area, you were in the files. Why else than to cover your transgression?"

"Let go of him!" John, unconcerned with his own nudity, surged forward to grab Hand's arm. Hand shoved him back to sprawl on the bed, raising a hand.

"Sleep." 

"Like hell! I don't know who the hell you think you are but you have no right to him, you - "

Hand's eyes narrowed as the command had no effect, and Daniel felt a spike of terror. "It's alright. I'll come with you. I'll do what you want. He's not important, he - "

"Sleep," Hand repeated, putting more force and power behind the words as he reached out to John's forehead. "Now."

John's eyes rolled up as he crumpled to the bed, unconscious. Then Hand turned his attention back to Daniel. "You too, doctor," he repeated, and blackness overtook him.

~~~


	11. Act 5

John opened his eyes to darkness and cold, and a nightmare far worse than anything he could have imagined. He'd imagined old men in suits in sterile white hallways, when Daniel had first quietly whispered his secrets to him. Not these spidery, white-faced beings who'd broken into their room like shades to snatch Daniel from his arms. Not this stadium of empty darkness they were in now, tiers and tiers of jagged, empty walkways rising up around them, overlooking the platform they were on and the strange, giant metal face that hung on the other side of the expanse.

Someone had put clothes on him, restrained him, arms and legs buckled to some kind of frame, outstretched. Daniel was stripped to the waist, however, hanging limply from hands bound above his head, a few feet away.

" _Daniel_ ," he whispered urgently. "Daniel, wake up. Please wake up. Please..."

He watched his lover's eyelashes flutter against his cheek, slowly rousing, his gaze unfocused behind absent glasses. His eyes narrowed as they moved over the darkness, squinting, then widening as they came to rest on John. "Oh no. No, no. You shouldn't -- be here, they shouldn't have - oh god, they - "

"Shh, It's alright," John found himself saying, even though he couldn't imagine how it could be. But that had always been his instinct, to comfort Daniel. To adore and protect this sweet, gentle man with his sharp mind and the fear in his eyes. He tried to think. "In the hotel... they were asking you about something, weren't they? Can we use it to negotiate?"

Daniel's eyes dropped, a shudder running through him that could have been a bitter laugh - or a sob. "No," he whispered. "It's impossible. I - I'm so sorry, John. I - " Tears welled in his eyes.

"It's alright," John found himself saying again. "Shh, sweetheart. We're still alive, right? Wouldn't they have killed me if they were going to?" Then a terrible thought crossed his mind.

He had a file, those men had said. And Daniel had taken it. The pieces started to fit together with frightening ease in his mind. Everything Daniel had told him and the things that he'd seen. How terrified Daniel had been when he'd found John awake that terrible night in the hospital.

Even Daniel's words tonight. _I'll find you again,_ he'd said, more fervent than John had ever seen him.

He watched his lover, heart aching. "Daniel... I was one of your experiments, wasn't I?"

Daniel closed his eyes, a soft sob. "... yes."

Something cold and hard settled in the pit of his stomach. "... was being with me part of that? An experiment? A lie?"

"What?" Daniel's eyes flew open. "Oh god, no. Never. Why would I risk all -- of this for a lie? I love you. I couldn't -- couldn't stay away from you. Even knowing the folly of it. I did not think they would -- I thought they would simply...."

"Simply what? _Reprogram_ me?" The terrible reality of it made him angry. "That's it, isn't it? You thought they'd use that drug or whatever to wipe you from my mind like that woman in the hospital, turn me into some kind of zombie - "

"They do it to -- everyone!" Daniel sobbed out. "Don't you see? The experiment is everyone. Everything. All but me, John. And I can do nothing -- to stop it. Nothing but -- what they force me to, I - "

" _Everyone?_ " The thought was so terrifying that his anger turned to ice.

"The whole city," Daniel whispered, with another soft, choked laugh. "They control -- everything. That's what I've been trying -- to make you understand."

For a long moment John could only stare at him, watching his half-bare form shivering in the cold. The scars on his chest and sides that John had lovingly stroked and kissed so many times stood out white against flushed skin. He had no more control in this situation than John did, despite his knowledge. That much was painfully obvious now, along with the reasons for his fear, his loneliness.... "Why me?"

Daniel raised his head to look up at him again, lips twitching up into a small smile. "... I love you," he murmured. "That's never been -- a lie, John. You've been so kind -- to me. Always. Even when you could not -- remember me."

 _I will find you again. No matter what it takes. I will come back to you._ "... we've done this before?"

Before Daniel could reply they heard footsteps on the hard metal floor, and a deep, commanding voice that made Daniel shrink into himself. "We are very displeased with your actions, Doctor."

"Don't say anything," Daniel whispered. "Please."

John turned, straining to see past the frame he was tied to. The three pale-faced men were back, following a much older one, his face lined and eyes near white with age. The hats and long black coats they'd been wearing in the hotel were gone, replaced by long strange gowns of black leather, bound with straps and buckles. They looked wrong, John thought. Demonic or ghostly or... dead, somehow. A shudder of revulsion ran through him.

The old one moved to stand in front of Daniel, staring at him, unblinking. "You know the rules, Doctor. It concerns us greatly that you have gone to such lengths to break them in secrecy."

"It is the weakness of -- my kind," Daniel murmured, head hanging low. "Have you not -- determined that by now? We are not like you. We need connection. We cannot -- survive, without it."

"Your need to present yourself like an animal in heat to any male who will have you is distinctly abnormal, but we have turned a blind eye before now." At the man's words, Daniel shuddered visibly, and even in the dim light John could see his cheeks redden. "But we will not permit your meddling in the experiments."

"I haven't," Daniel replied, a tremor in his voice. "He is a -- spare."

"You took his file. You took our data on all his past experiments. Our ability to place in him future experiments."

"I didn't."

"Your actions and intentions are all too clear, Doctor. You went to our records room, where you are not permitted. You took his file to keep him to yourself, to continue your transgression - "

"It must have been -- lost." Daniel was breathless, voice tight with desperation. "When you knocked me -- across the shaft. Have you looked for it? I - "

The man drew his arm back, striking him across the face with the back of his hand. Daniel cried out as he was struck, and John bit back a whimper. _There's precautions I've taken during our time apart,_ Daniel had whispered to him. Sure this is what he'd meant. The bravery of such a thing was overwhelming.

"Don't lie to us, Doctor. Tell us where the file is."

"I don't have it!" Daniel cried out as he struck him again, lips dark with blood. "Please, I don't - !"

The man drew his hand back, then stopped, lowering it. He stepped back, looking to one of the others - the one who'd choked Daniel in the hotel room, John recognized with a shock of fear. "Take care of this, Mr. Hand."

Mr. Hand pulled something from the folds of his robe, and with a terrible shing of metal on metal a blade sprung forth. Daniel yelped in fear, pushing back against the floor, trying to push away as the man brought the blade forward, drawing it down his chest from shoulder to hip, the cut welling red as Daniel shuddered and gasped for breath.

"You know how this goes, Doctor. Tell us what we wish to know."

"I don't -- have it," Daniel gasped again. "Please - ahh!"

A grunt escaped John's lips as he struggled to keep from crying out. Be silent, Daniel had said. But how could he stand by and let them torture him?

"Tell us!" He caught Daniel by the throat again, drawing the blade along his skin more slowly this time as Daniel struggled, gasping for breath in little mewling cries. "Tell us or this will only get worse for you!"

"Stop it! Stop it, he doesn't have it!" The plea burst from John's desperate lips. "God, stop hurting him, please!"

Mr. Hand paused, the tip of the knife pressed to Daniel's chest. His head turned to regard John silently, and Daniel gave a helpless sob.

"He doesn't -- know anything. He's just -- a spare. Please...."

"Quite true, Doctor. So you must be the one to tell us what we wish to know." He released Daniel, stepping back, motioning to one of the others. They handed him a long, metal object, and Mr. Hand held his palm out over the end, staring at it intently. Moments later the metal began to glow and steam, heating red hot.

How was such a thing possible? Then John's mind flew back to the things Daniel had said. _My kind. We are not like you._

Could these things possibly be....

Then Daniel yelped, feet scrabbling at the floor in terror, trying to push back, straining at his bonds. "Please no. God, please!"

Mr. Hand brought the steaming metal closer to him. "Then tell us."

"I can't," he sobbed. "I don't - please have mercy - !"

Bile rose in John's throat. They intended to brand him. There was no threat. "Stop!" he begged. "God, please, leave him alone! He didn't - he's not - he gave it to me!"

"John - !"

"He gave it to me," John continued desperately. But what did it matter if they were angry at him now? As long as he could stop this terrible thing.... "I had it. I destroyed it. I burnt the goddamn thing! So punish me for it, not him!"

Mr. Hand's head turned to look at him for a long moment, regarding him with a chilling lack of emotion. Then the corners of his lips turned up into a small, cruel smile, and he pressed the red-hot metal forward into Daniel's skin.

Daniel screamed, skin smoking and sizzling, a sickly-sweet smell filling the air. John's stomach turned, and he doubled forward, wrenching at the cuffs that restrained him as he vomited onto the metal floor, heaving and retching. His vision blurred with tears by the time he managed to straighten, gasping for breath, realizing the room had gone silent. Daniel hung limply, unconscious. Perhaps a blessing.

A number of the white faced men stepped forward to cut him down and take the brand from Mr. Hand, who turned towards John. John felt whatever it was he was bound to move, sliding across the floor with a terrible screech, bringing him towards Hand.

"We find it curious that you would help him," he said, regarding John again with that same chilling blankness. "Or even seek him out. You were not programmed to do so. Why? He is obviously deficient in desireable attributes when compared to others of your kind."

"You mean the scars you gave him?" The words burst from John's lips before he could stop him. "That doesn't matter to me. I love him."

"... love?" He repeated, eyebrows arching slightly.

"Yes. I love him. None of this changes that. Look, the answer to all this is obvious, can't you see? You need to keep him in line, to continue your - your work, your experiments. Obviously you've tortured him for so long that pain is no longer a threat. But my data's already been invalidated, right? So keep me here. I'll work for you too, whatever you need me to do. I won't try and escape or go back to my old life. I promise. Let him be with me and he'll have no reason to disobey - especially knowing that you can hurt me if he does."

Mr. Hand's head tilted to the side as he stared, unblinking, so completely inhuman that John fought the urge to shudder, wondering how he could have ever thought these _things_ to be otherwise. The air filled with a strange, terrible clicking, and John looked up to see that the tiers of walkways had filled with dozens, perhaps hundreds of them, all looking down on them, white faced and terrible.

"Your offer fascinates us," Mr. Hand said finally. "But you are too valuable a subject. It matters not that your file has been destroyed. We will simply reprogram you and start again. You will do nicely for tonight's experiment, we think."

John felt his stomach turn again, a surge of anger rising up along with the disgust. "Go to hell! You think I'll forget him so easily? Reprogram me a hundred times and I'll still love him! I'll find him, I'll ruin your precious fucking experiments! I swear it to you!"

"Perhaps you will," Mr. Hand repeated, that same, tight and terrible smirk gracing his lips again. Then he stepped away.

The others had dressed Daniel again, clothes neat and tidy like they hadn't just tortured him. One of them brought forward a tray with two of those strange metal syringes on it that John had seen him with in the hospital. This time the liquid inside them was almost completely clear, though. As John watched they lifted one, tilting Daniel's head back to neatly pierce his forehead between his eyebrows and inject him with it. Then Mr. Hand waved one black-gloved hand in front of his gaze. "Wake, Doctor."

Daniel's eyes fluttered open, and he drew a soft breath, looking up at him with no apparent sign of pain. "Mr -- Hand. What....."

"A small accident, Doctor. Nothing we are concerned about. But the Tuning is about to start. Come."

He picked himself up off the floor without comment, docile and obedient, and John began to feel a terrible sense of dread. "Daniel?"

Daniel glanced over at him with no hint of recognition in his eyes. "Why is there a -- subject here?"

Dread settled in a hard lump in John's stomach. He searched Daniel's face, trying to find some sign... he had to be pretending. To deceive them. Right?

"Simply an inquiry into an ongoing experiment," Mr. Hand said smoothly, as one of the others brought the tray to them with the remaining syringe. "Inject him now, Doctor. We must return him to the surface. Tonight's Tuning is at hand."

"Of course." Daniel took the syringe without hesitation, starting towards him, and John yelped as the frame he hung from moved again, pulling him back until he was laid out on his back, staring up at the tiers and tiers of creatures that surrounded them.

Terror washed over him, and before he could stop himself he was begging, babbling, despite all logic telling him to stay quiet and trust Daniel. "Daniel, what's going on? Tell me you recognize me, please, don't do this - !"

Daniel's face appeared over his, eyebrows knitting together as he looked down at him. He set the syringe on his chest, reaching for something beside John's head and drawing it over his forehead, buckling it in place to immobilize him. He frowned, voice low. "I'm sorry - whoever you are. However you know my name, I -- cannot help you. But this will all -- be over soon."

He glanced away as he spoke. The lack of recognition in his gaze wasn't a farce, John realized, heart aching. Whatever it was they'd injected him with had erased him, erased all his memories of John, of the time they'd spent together. They'd reprogrammed him, the same as they did to everyone in the city. And in moments John would be the same.

He pressed his thumb against the inside of his ring band, clenching his fingers tightly around it. "Daniel, listen to me," he murmured, holding his gaze as Daniel looked back to him, startled. "You don't remember me. They erased you. It's alright, I don't blame you. Not for any of this. I love you. I promise I'll find you again. Whatever happens. I'll still love you, I swear it."

Daniel looked stricken, hand freezing on the syringe. "I...."

"Doctor! Imprint. No more delays."

"I'm sorry," Daniel whispered, lifting the syringe. The needle extended with a whir, and John felt his pulse race. He'd remember, he thought to himself fiercely, desperately, struggling to keep his eyes open, to keep his gaze on Daniel's face. He had to memorize his features, cling to the ache of love he felt for him. No matter what, he had to - 

With a brief shock of pain, the needle pierced his skin, and everything slipped away into darkness.

~~~

 

He was being moved, slung over someone's shoulder, and none-too-gently. He tried to tell himself to fight, to struggle. His muscles didn't respond.

Voices. "We could use this to our advantage, Mr. Book."

"We don't see how, Mr. Hand."

"This is a turn of events we have not encountered before. This continual betrayal of the imprint. It would be unwise to ignore it."

"We should do nothing, then. We should wait to see if our Doctor transgresses again. Perhaps even encourage it."

"Precisely. Interfere with the imprint. Leave it... incomplete. See how our Doctor reacts."

"Is that wise, Mr. Hand? Using our Doctor in an experiment is unorthodox. And invalidating the Murdoch experiment."

"We proceed with the Murdoch imprint, partially. It will be a new scenario we have not yet investigated. Remove our Doctor's memories of this encounter, start with them both fresh. Blank slates."

"Such erasure has not deterred them in the past. This subject has always been a risk. Is it wise to encourage his deviance?"

 _In the past?_ He tried to hazily follow the thought. There should be something significant about it, something important.... 

"It is one of the things that makes him valuable. Let us proceed, Mr. Book. We may well find the answers we seek."

~~~~

The man with the driver's license that read John Murdoch overlooked the ring at first, in his fumbled attempts to determine his identity from the blankness in his mind and the handful of belongings spread around him. It was tucked into the inside breast pocket of his jacket, he discovered later when he reached inside for matches, smoking in the darkness in the apartment he apparently owned, waiting for a woman who was apparently his wife.

He drew deep on the cigarette and examined the piece of jewelry. Fancy, for a men's ring. A large, square cut diamond sparkled even in the low light, flanked by smaller stones in pale green. Was it silver, or white gold? Was it expensive? Had she bought it for him, the woman with the dark hair in the tiny photo in his wallet?

No. There was a sense of wrongness in that thought. But there had to be something significant, there had to be - 

In the bathroom the shower turned off, and John hurriedly stuffed the ring back into his pocket. Too many mysteries to solve. His identity. The strange voice on the end of the phone, warning him. The mutilated dead woman. The pale face men....

The ring could wait.

~~~ End ~~~


End file.
